Disclaimer: After reading this article, if you still need to read this disclaimer to understand that this is a piece of satire, a figment of my imagination, an exercise in fiction, you should seriously consider jumping in front of a landing aircraft, or at least not having sex for the rest of your life because of fear of transmitting your stupidity germs to your unfortunate unborn child.
Delhi: Triumphnot Motorcycles India CEO, Mr Simal Vumbly, has resigned this afternoon as confusion about his salary became the leading news of the day. Mr. Vumbly, the ex-national sales manager of Pajaj Probiking, joined Triumphnot India as Managing Director about a year back. In the last 2 weeks, there were unconfirmed reports of his paycheque being drastically reduced, without any proper explanation from Triumphnot UK.
Mr. Vumbly organised a press conference this afternoon, where he explained the reason for his sudden separation and shed some light on the entire fiasco. Here’s the official statement released by Mr. Vumbly:
I joined Triumphnot Motorcycles India in the capacity of Managing Director, thinking I’ll be making pounds instead of rupees. With a yearly CTC of 100,000 pounds, it was time for me to hit the big league bitches! The first 11 months went like a dream, and I was swimming in money, quite literally. But my shockingly low November salary prompted me to talk to Triumphnot UK about what’s up.
Triumphnot UK didn’t respond to my concern for 2 weeks, which was surprising to say the least. I tried all different channels, but to no avail. Since I had generated a lot of noise, Triumphnot UK finally gave the following reply after 3 weeks:
“Triumphnot Motorcycles Private Limited would like to clarify that the earlier information on your salary package displayed the EU specifications, which was mentioned under the terms and conditions section of your offer letter. The compensation processes in India and UK are different, which leads to variations in the calculation of salary payments in rupees. The specifications are now updated and are as follows:
Yearly CTC: 100,000 rupees (Not pounds)
Salary break up:
10,250 rupees – Base salary
5,750 rupees – House Rental Allowance
4,100 rupees – Conveyance Allowance
79,900 rupees – Fraud, malpractice, and misinformation allowance
Since our foray into the Indian market, all our employees in India have been paid as per the Indian standards, apart from you of course. Please note that specifications of the salary given in India are the same which is given elsewhere globally, with few minor variations to comply with Indian regulations.
We have also received your queries with regards to your November Salary. We would like to state that your salary has always been 100,000 rupees per year. We understand that some confusion has been caused to our esteemed employee in relation to the aforesaid. We request our employee to kindly allow us some time to review and revert on the same.
As a brand, Triumphnot Motorcycles India Private Limited values its employees and their satisfaction is of the utmost importance to us. We request our employees to directly contact the managers in their respective departments for any further assistance. The contact detail for each individual manager is available on our website. Customers can also reach us at email@example.com. We will review each query independently and try our best to resolve in accordance with the brand guidelines and procedures.
All media queries should be directed to Mr. Dea Thtot Riumphnot at DeathToTriumphnot@euloggyindia.in.
Oh and by the way, you’ll need to return us all the excess salary paid to you in pounds since the day you’ve joined, which roughly amounts to 11,106,79,11 rupees. Please contact your manager to facilitate quick payment of the same”
Can you believe that? My salary is gone from 1 crore a year to 1 lakh a year, in the blink of a second! They even want me to pay them back over 11 crores! And all these motherfuckers had to say in the end was “We understand that some confusion has been caused to our esteemed employee in relation to the aforesaid”. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? How can they do that? If the had told me what I was getting from the start, I wouldn’t even have joined this stupid company. I have put in my papers this afternoon, but I’m still waiting for an explanation and reimbursement from Triumphnot. This is outrageous!
On being asked how could he possibly have missed such a huge blunder in his salary amount, Mr. Vumbly humbly said:
Dude everyone said it was 100,000 Pounds, OK? The HR said 100,000 Pounds, the offer letter said 100,00 Pounds, everyone said it was 100,000 fucking Pounds, and that’s the fucking reason why I took the job in the first place! But now I’ve noticed they put in this tiny little invisible piece of shit disclaimer at the bottom of the letter:
Reasonable care is taken to ensure the accuracy of information and related materials provided by Triumphnot Motorcycles Limited on this offer letter, however, Triumphnot Motorcycles Limited is not responsible for misprints, out-of-date information, technical or salary inaccuracies, typographical or other errors appearing on this letter or any other random piece of paper. Information and related materials are subject to change without notice. By accepting this offer letter, you assume the risk that the information and materials in this letter may be incomplete, inaccurate, out-of-date, or may not meet your needs and requirements. Please note that this offer letter contains a bunch of horse shit that may or may not be stated.
How in hell am I supposed to pay any attention to this? There are so many pages in an offer letter, it’s like a fucking encyclopedia, I seem to have missed reading this somehow. But this is plain and simple fraud, nothing more! I’m planning to take Triumphnot to court soon, this is not over.
A brave reporter asked Mr. Vumbly the one question everyone had in their mind already: “Mr. Vumbly, isn’t this exactly what you did to the Triumphnot owners in India?“
Mr. Vumbly replied:
Naaaaa man whaaaat, that was just a simple misunderstanding dude! That is nothing as compared to the torture that I’m going through. Who gives a shit about a bunch of rich asswads dropping a bunch of horsepower anyway, right? Ha, am I right or what?
It was at this point that an irate Triumphnot Daytona owner flung his Alpinestars SMX-6 gore-tex riding boots on Mr. Vumbly. The first one missed him by a few inches, but the right one’s sole directly landed on his nose, which was bleeding and looked broken thereafter. He was rushed to the hospital. The Daytona owner was promptly arrested, but gave the following statement before being taken to a Police station:
My life is ruined! I left my job, cashed my Employee Provident Fund savings, borrowed money from friends, borrowed money from parents, took a loan, and then bought my dream bike. The Daytona was already grossly overpriced from Triumphnot’s initial promise, but then I said fuck it. Now everyone calls my bike the De-tuna, and R15 and CBR150 owners come to taunt me for a race. I can’t even begin to imagine how Striple owners are surviving! Triumphnot needs to be burned to the ground, their slogan shouldn’t be “For the ride”, but “Taken for the ride”!
All of these developments are of course happening at the backdrop of Triumphnot heavily detuning their bikes for India, but still asking for premium prices, and all the time not informing customers of the true power figures. We’ll keep an eye on the developments as they come, stay tuned to Fake Biker!
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.