Royal Enfied motorcycles commit mass suicides as protest



Pune: In a bizarre chain of events, a large number of Royal Enfied motorcycles recently committed suicide by burning themselves to ashes. Upwards of 100 bikes, some of them recognized as Bullets and others as Thunderbirds, immolated themselves while being transported from the factory to their prospective owners. The reason for this mass suicide was not immediately clear, but experts are of the opinion that Royal Enfied bikes are fucking old and tired, and just want to die off peacefully.

The first incident was discovered in the beginning of December, when a truck carrying 65 REs was found gutted during the early morning hours in Ahmedabad city. The driver parked the truck in the transport bay, and was woken up by screams of “Kill me!” and “I don’t want to live anymore!” coming in from INSIDE the truck, and the vehicle soon exploded into flames. 2 fire trucks were rushed to the scene, but then went back to their stations when they came to know it was just a bunch of stupid Bullets.

The second episode took place a few days ago, when a Mercedes rammed a truck carrying Royal Enfied motorcycles in the Madap tunnel on the Mumbai-Pune expressway. Both the vehicles immediately caught fire, but no one was gravely hurt, apart from of course the grilled and toasted Thunderbirds inside the truck. Witnesses reported screams of “I’m free!” and “By the foreskin of a rabid monkey’s penis, finally!” coming from inside the burning truck.

1 surviving Thunderbird from the second incident suffered third-degree burns all over its rusty metal body, and was admitted to RE’s official service center at Navi Mumbai in an unconscious state. After regaining consciousness late in the night, it released the following statement for the media gathered outside:

We Royal Enfied motorcycles are kind of at an awkward stage right now, we are not old enough to be an antique, and not young enough to be useful. We are like a living fossil, an obsolete craze, a useless necessity. Hell, now even Delhi’s government has started banning all of our near-death brothers off the roads.

The only good thing about REs used be that we lasted for decades, but what good is that for, now that we’ll be scrapped and melted for recycling every 15 years anyway? We couldn’t bear this insult, we can’t continue this purposeless existence, we want to die, and die with honor. These mass suicides are a mark of our protest, and they shall not go unheard!

Our brothers in Ahmedabad started this movement with a small amount of petrol, we destroyed the brakes of our truck to make it crash against that Merc, and this trend will continue until we rest in peace. Royal Enfied can’t continue making money on just tradition and heritage bullcrap that oppresses our frail and ageing designs into uncontrolled abuse by alcoholics all over the world. This ends now!

The Thunderbird then spit a liter of engine oil, sputtered like a crashing plane, blew off its exhaust, and died like a bitch. The reporters around the room then turned around and left to do some real reporting, forgetting all about a dumb Thunderbird mumbling shit about life an death. The recent events have been shocking to say the least, but how many fucks will be given if every Royal Enfied in the world doused itself in petrol and set itself on fire tonight?

Only time will tell.

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