Disclaimer: After reading this article, if you still need to read this disclaimer to understand that this is a piece of satire, a figment of my imagination, an exercise in fiction, you should seriously consider breaking your own neck, or at least not having sex for the rest of your life because of fear of transmitting your stupidity germs to your unfortunate unborn child.
Mumbai: Unconfirmed reports of rioting, arson, and general fucktardery are coming in from Carter Road area of Bandra, Mumbai, where just a few hours ago a random girl was allegedly seen riding a motorcycle. The photo of an unknown lady biker was clicked by a passerby and then subsequently posted on Facebook, where it garnered 4433455 likes, 253934355 comments and 15482341978780043 shares within an hour, bringing Facebook’s servers down and nearly breaking the internet.
As the news spread like Herpes, hundreds of stupid, ignorant, pinky-dick man-whore asswad biker handjob fanboys gathered in the vicinity of Carter Road, doing burnouts, crashing into traffic, and raping each other in the asshole with sticks and spanners. The gathering soon numbered over 10,000, and violence erupted thereafter, as the useless cops were busy receiving some VVIP from the airport.
Although we can only speculate as to the reason for this ongoing fuckfest, our sources tell us that most people simply go ape shit on watching any girl riding a motorcycle. Scientists are still working towards finding a reason for this odd behavior, but preliminary investigation suggests a complete absence of testicles to be the most likely culprit. Our brave correspondent caught up with a rioter, who had this to say between stealing a 21 inch LCD and deep-throating a fellow rioter:
I dunno man, there’s nothing special about a girl riding a motorcycle, I mean it’s just a girl riding a fucking motorcycle, but everytime I see one on Facebook, I just totally lose control man. I just have to like, comment on, and share the crap outta that photo, then go to the spot where that photo was taken and have random unprotected sex with other guys like me, and then kill a bunch of cunts and steal a bunch of shit. You know?
With the Indian motorcycling scene changing drastically over the past few years, it’s quite common to find ladies riding bikes. Many of them have also undertaken highly publicized tours around India, showing once and for all that there’s no big deal about lady bikers. However, a large number of people still treat them like alien unicorns, taking away due credit from other riders without vaginas. One experienced biker commented on the ongoing events:
There are people who have ridden Kashmir to Kanyakumari like a gazillion times. There are people who hold Guinness records for motorcycle journeys. There are people who have ridden around the world without any help or sponsorship. There are people who have done Saddle Sores and Bun Burners. All of these people are Indian riders, whose Facebook photos and statuses never get more than 10-15 likes. Why? One word: Boobs. This rampant sexism needs to stop, whatever happened to gender equality and shit?
As the evening progressed, it was revealed that the VVIP responsible for the lack of Police force to counter the rioters was none other than Wrongress Vice President Gahul Randhi, who flew in to Mumbai in the afternoon. He organised a press conference at BKC and said:
Wrongress has tirelessly toiled towards Women Empowerment, I mean that’s literally the only thing we cared for, like ever. Today I’m happy to see empowered women riding motorcycles and creating riots and stuff. It is a great achievement of Wrongress party, and a personal victory for me as well. Women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, women empowerment, wo ma, em po, woman, ment……….
Gahul Randhi’s skull then exploded on the dais, revealing him to be nothing more than a poorly constructed robot. His headless body kept running around the press room, and was finally subdued by a bunch of Wrongress workers, who collected all his parts and hurriedly left towards the airport.
As the Police is still busy transporting Gahul Randhi’s headless robot body back to Delhi, the looting, rampage, and public kinky gay sex is still going on in and around Bandra as we speak. This public kinky gay sex is of course in addition to the public kinky straight sex that’s always happening in and around Bandra that no one seems to give a shit about. Stay tuned for up to date coverage of the events as they unfold!
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.