Due to the massive popularity of RiderZone and the general awesomeness of me, INTERMOT organizers invited me to the event for an all-expense paid trip. I was all like “Na bro it’s cool”, and they were all like “Yeah man we love you and we want you to be here”, and so I was like “Ah shit, alright, if you put it like that”, and they were like “That’s my nigga”.
Here’s a report of the things I saw.
INTERMOT 2016: The Venue
The huge venue was divided up into a number of smaller sections dedicated to different manufactures. Here’s a blueprint of the layout that I downloaded from the official INTERMOT website, aimed specifically for the Indian journalists.
As you can clearly see, the entire infrastructure was modeled in a way to give the participants a deep understanding of each brand’s ideology and their products. For example, Stall 2 was entirely devoted to bikes that you could look and drool at, but never see riding around in India because the manufacturers don’t give a single fuck. Stalls 5, 6, and 7 were filled with brilliant pieces of automotive art, bikes that could give you massive multiple uncontrollable orgasms, but were priced purposefully in such a way that only super-rich dickholes could afford to park them somewhere inside their massive garages before completely forgetting about them.
INTERMOT 2016: The Bikes
Oh the bikes, you just had to be there to see them all. It was so beautiful to see KTM’s entire lineup right in front of your eyes, and then realize that they only sell 4 of their cheapest, roughest, ugliest products in the country that quite literally owns them. I mean it was so heart-warming to see their off-road bikes in flesh, the magnificent dirt eating monsters that would make so much sense on our fucked up highways, but which for some reason can only be bought when some KTM dealership is willing to illegally sell the demo piece to you.
Think of the joy when I looked at the Honda CB500X, probably the closest thing to perfection that you will ever find on two wheels, and then the tears of knowledge that came pouring out, thanks to the realization that Honda couldn’t give a smaller shit about anything else other than the Activa.
It was surreal to see entire company stalls and know that you’ll never be their customer, because they didn’t want me to be one.
“Oh look at that giant cruiser with a paint job that looks like the Chrome fairy vomited on it, I wonder how many kilometers the owner will ride it for without even one single item being there in those giant saddle bags”.
“Check out the latest version of one of the fastest bikes on the planet, it has one more R in it, which basically makes it so much more fun when you’re racing some random dude on the road who doesn’t even understand what the fuck you want”.
INTERMOT 2016: Conclusion
In many ways, INTERMOT is a giant pornography meetup. People come in, check out the glistening, shining bodies, imagine the things they’ll do if they had her, and proceed home to rub one out to the memories of that chrome covered exhaust. The far bigger festival of jackoff happens on the internet, where poor sons of bitches look at these beauties, without a single shred of knowledge about the level of skill it takes to ride them, and then brag to each other about their specs and features, as if they have any idea what 200 horsepower actually feels like.
Just like porn, all that you get in the end out of so much effort, is a bunch of retards posting side by side photos of the ZX-10R, R1M, and the CBR1000RR, with the caption “Which one would you pick?”.
Sex sells, so do these superfluous, glorified missiles on two wheels. As long as manufacturers keep making affordable, usable, easy to live with bikes along with such elitist, exotic expressions of wealth and small dicks, I don’t care.