September 5th, Vatican City
In a sensational development, the Bishop of Rome and the leader of the worldwide Church of delusional people, today filed a case against Hawasaki’s India branch for multiple counts of copyright violation. This move follows months of speculation about the Vatican being unhappy with the way the Japanese giant has handled its Indian market.
The Indian auto industry was recently rocked by yet another shocking scandal, when Hawasaki’s superbike dealer in Navi Mumbai duped 11 of its customers out of more than a Crore by taking full payments for motorcycles, without delivering any of them. The irate customers reached out to the parent company for support, only to be told that they are on their own, with Hawasaki brushing aside any claim of responsibility in this matter.
Mr. Lombardi, spokesperson for the Vatican, released this statement to the media.
Like any other business establishment, the Vatican always keep an eye out for competitors trying to infringe on our copyrights to make a quick buck. His Holiness Pope Francis has taken a personal interest in this particular matter, where Hawasaki India has repeatedly committed blatant violations against our intellectual property.
Our case against Hawasaki is about the Japanese conglomerate shamelessly copying our business model in their India operations. They enticed unsuspecting bikers into buying their green machines with promises of divine performance and heavenly after-sales support, but followed those hollow vows with overpriced parts, pathetic service and long delays. This is exactly the procedure that we’ve followed with our devotees for thousands of years, and has been officially recognized as our intellectual property.
We kept a close watch on them as the years passed, even warned them from time to time to clean up their act, but nothing changed. When this issue with the Navi Mumbai dealer came to public attention, we were left with no other option but legal action.
For more than two millennia, it has been our trademarked, copyrighted and patented process to take Crores from unsuspecting people, and give them nothing in return. Hawasaki India can’t just go around fingering with our cult, a lesson needs to be taught here. It’s our job to take your money for imaginary future pleasures, and then run away to hide under a rock when that doesn’t work. Nobody can take that away from us.
We have confirmed reports that a case has been filed in the Delhi High Court against India Hawasaki Motors by the Vatican. We reached out to Mr. Varun Khanna from Hawasaki India for a comment.
RiderZone: Mr. Varun, we’ve just seen the Vatican file a case against you for infringing on their intellectual property, what are your thoughts on this matter?
Varun: What? Are you serious? Can they even do that? I am completely unqualified for my job and have no idea whatsoever what needs to be done, or why, or when, so I will not say anything.
RiderZone: Yes…. considering the fact that it’s already done, the case has been filed.
Varun: I…. I don’t even know what to say. Our company policy clearly states that on any issue of any importance, we must stay completely silent for at least 4 months, not respond to any customer grievances, and not release any public statements, to ensure total confusion and chaos. So I guess I’ll keep my mouth shut.
RiderZone: Mr. Varun, your handling of the Navi Mumbai dealership has been compared to the Church’s handling of the Priests who fucked little children. How would you respond to that?
Varun: What? Who said that? Our corporate policy tells us to remain completely oblivious of any customer issues until a thread goes viral on Team-BHP, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.
RiderZone: Is it true that the owner of the Navi Mumbai dealership had already faced major problems with their Pune Hawasaki dealership, just like various churches all over the world had faced major problems with pedophilic pastors?
Varun: Ummmm, how did you know….?
RiderZone: Is it true that you guys silently changed the owners of the Pune dealership, just like the Vatican did with priests whose actions were out in the open?
Varun: I don’t think I should be commenti….
RiderZone: Is it true that despite these previous issues, Hawasaki India still went ahead with the same dealer for a new outlet in Navi Mumbai, just like the Church did with convicted clergymen all over the world?
Varun: This interview is ove….
RiderZone: Is it true that when the customers reached out to you for a solution, you told them you can’t do anything, otherwise it’ll set a bad example for future fraudulent dealerships, just like the Pope chose to take no action against guilty pastors to avoid any future liability?
RiderZone: Is it true that now the facts are out in the open, Hawasaki India is denying any responsibility, making pointless public statements, and trying its best to choke any criticism of its brand, just like the Vatican did?
Varun: Damn son, you’re good! People should read your all articles all the time and also give you lots of money, while completely boycotting all the other shit-faced websites who’ve remained silent on this matter for fear of not getting advertisement money or test bikes from Hawasaki.
RiderZone: *drops the mic, walks away without looking back, while Mr. Varun explodes from the inside out in a fiery, windy, loud bang*
Latest reports indicate that the customers have filed FIRs and court cases against both Hawasaki India and the dealer. While Hawasaki India continues to give the middle finger to the entire Indian biking community, the dealer still keeps giving dishonest assurances of giving back the money to the affected parties. We’ll stay on top of this situation, and bring you all the details as they unfold, as soon as we locate our reporter, who dropped the mic and hasn’t been heard from since.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.