Disclaimer: After reading this article, if you still need to read this disclaimer to understand that this is a piece of satire, a figment of my imagination, an exercise in fiction, you should seriously consider shooting yourself through the mouth, or at least not having sex for the rest of your life because of fear of transmitting your stupidity germs to your unfortunate unborn child.
Mumbai: Indian model and actress Gauwar Khan, who was sensationally slapped by 24 year old Mohd Aqil Malik recently, organised a press conference today to reveal the truth behind the incident. The last few days have seen intense media speculation about the reason for her being busted on the cheek, with mainstream papers, channels and websites believing Mohd Aqil Malik’s statement saying “being a Muslim woman, she should not have worn such a short dress“. The incident cause widespread outrage across the country’s media, providing a convenient diversion from other genuinely important news stories like black money and ebola.
However, Gauwar Khan created another scandal today by divulging the actual reason why she was spanked in full public view. Here’s the official statement released by her:
As you all are aware, I was smacked square on the face recently by a man named Mohd Aqil Malik, who later gave a statement blaming my sexy short clothes for his actions. Even I believed this lie in the beginning, but new facts have come my way which make it clear he was not just motivated by my sultry hairless back, but by a much more sinister purpose.
1 day before I was slapped, I wrote a satirical piece on my website RiderZone.in, where I post random crap under the pseudonym Akhil Kalsh. Basically whenever I feel bored of acting and modeling and dancing and being a general attention whore, I go to RiderZone to write awesome articles about motorcycling and my life. It’s kick ass, you should totally read RiderZone.in, like every minute of your fucking day.
This particular article was critical of Triumphnot Motorcycles India for the fraud and deception they did against Indian bikers, and was loved by all my fellow rider buddies, but totally ruined the mood of Triumphnot management and PR department, who went absolutely bat shit on my ass.
I was threatened with legal action, through Email and phone call, asking me for an unconditional apology and removal of the post, non-compliance of which would lead to a legal notice being sent to me. After a lot of butt itching, brain scratching and heartburn, I trashed the article. I thought it was over, but not Triumphnot.
The truth is Triumphnot sent Mohd Aqil Malik to slap me, to send a message to all the other talented, dashing, single and sexy bloggers out there not to slander their name. What Triumphnot did to Indian bikers is sad, what they are doing to me now is just tragic. I just want them to stop harassing me, I’ve already done what they asked. Leave me alone for crying out loud!
Then Gauwar Khan A.K.A. Akhil Kalsh went off stage and cried out loud, literally, for like 5 minutes. As soon she came back in, she was hit in the face with a size 14 full length Army boot, while another one missed her nose by millimetres. The man who flung these riding boots was promptly arrested, and identified himself as a raging Royal Enfield maniac fanboy extraordinaire. Gauwar Khan A.K.A. Akhil Kalsh was taken to the hospital, and the Bull lover had this to say:
Duke 390 is a plastic piece of shit toy, Royal Enfield has heritage, class, and everything is made of metal. Classic 350 can do 273 kmph easily. Everything in the world should be made of metal. My dick is small and curved. Why has nobody made iron condoms yet? I would buy a fucking dozen iron condoms because they can last an entire lifetime, and are very stable inside my anus. Army uses Bullets. My mom doesn’t love me anymore.
He was given a psychiatric evaluation and sent home on medical grounds. The sensational Gauwar Khan slapping episode keeps getting better in the meantime! Stay tuned for more.
In case you are wondering, yes I wrote this article about myself, I mean me, Gauwar Khan. Yes I’m referring to myself in the third person throughout the article. Hard time understanding? Inception, bitches.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.