tiktok ban

End of civilization delayed as TikTok banned

Chennai:

Scientists at ISRO have today confirmed that the imminent end of civilization as we know it has been postponed slightly due to the ban on popular video sharing app TikTok.

A largely political decision by the govt. to ban the app in response to border tensions with China, it has nonetheless thrown the influencer economy into a steep downward spiral, and prevented the rise of Cthulhu, who still waits dreaming in his house at R’lyeh, for now.

In a press conference hosted by the scientists they had this to say:

In 2010 we launched a series of special satellites that very precisely measure the level of stupid fuckery in the lower atmosphere. The levels hovered around a few thousand stupid fucks until 2015, but then rose steeply with the rise of these Instagram and Youtube “influencers” to more than a million stupid fucks, although just one dumb fuck, who goes by the name of Mumbiker or something, was responsible for about half the increase.

Since the widespread use of TikTok has begun, the numbers have been staggering. On many days they are off the scale for us, somewhere north of 100 million stupid fucks. We do not know the exact mechanism of how it spreads, but due to the groundbreaking theoretical work by Stephen Hawking on the black holes of the internet, it is well understood that going beyond 250 million stupid fucks would mean the end of life as we know it.

The govt’s decision, as misguided and dangerous as it may be, has brought the numbers down to a safe 50 million just in the last 24 hours, this is a great day for the world and for civil society. Sure we’ll still have to send our children to defuckeryfication centers, but that’s a small price to pay for the dim hope that a few of their brain cells will survive.

We also reached out to a famous TikToker for comment:

I don’t understand why TikTok gets so much hate, all I wanted to share was my originality, and the fact that all of us can be individually cancerous to the very fabric of society. Cool people like me don’t use the raging pile of shit on fire that’s Instagram, TikTok was our home, our way of expressing ourselves, to show the confusion of our hormonal instabilities, and find new ways to embarrass mankind that keep the aliens from contacting us.

Now it’s all gone, what’s there even left to live for? How will I pass the time without making weird dance videos that give people eye AIDS? Where else will I find pieces of high art like girls jumping around with no bra? Who will dictate my sense of fashion now and compel me to look like a dirty cock that was involved in paint factory explosion?

We at RZ firmly believe that allowing any government to ban something in the name of “security” is usually a bad idea, but we’ll not mention that in this particular case. Can you please take this paragraph out in editing and replace it with something that satirizes the clownish existence of humans under capitalism and the utter meaninglessness of it all, but in a haha funny way?

As always, help us keep our incredible journalistic standards by sending us photos of your credit card, both sides. Nudes also welcome.

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