DELHI: In a shocking turn of events, police have apprehended a suspect who they believe was riding a motorcycle for no good reason. His arrest near Nehru Place yesterday, while the inspectors were stopping vehicles for routine checking, has sent shockwaves of horror throughout the country. A large number of international leaders and celebrities have also expressed their outrage at this tragedy, with #LockHimUp trending number 1 on Twitter at the time of this publication.
A joint press conference was organized today morning by the Minister of Transport Mr. Nitin Gadkari, along with the hero inspector who caught the biker, and a group of scientists from AIIMS. The policeman was the first to explain how he ended up blowing the lid off this massive scandal.
I had setup a checkpoint near Nehru Place, you know just a routine document verification to help me buy some chicken and beer for the night. It was mid-afternoon, and there wasn’t a lot of traffic coming my way. Suddenly I noticed an alien-looking guy on a fancy bike heading right for me, and I knew I’d hit the jackpot, what I didn’t know was just how big.
I signaled him to stop, he slowly moved towards me, stopped, got off the bike, removed his helmet, and smiled. I was immediately suspicious, and asked him for his license. He went through the rear seat of his bike and gave me his license, RC, insurance, and pollution certificate. That was just a huge red flag, but I still couldn’t put a finger on exactly why my Spidey sense was tingling. I decided to investigate a bit more, and got him into a conversation.
“Where are you riding to?”
“Nowhere, I was just enjoying the bike, it’s a beautiful day.”
“What? You’re wearing all this racing gear, and you aren’t trying to set any Guinness records?”
“What about a stupid Limca one then?”
“One of those Iron Butt plug things?”
“Are you making a daily observations motovlog?”
“Riding to empower women?”
“Riding to a rally to promote safe riding?”
“Riding for breakfast?”
“Riding against breakfast?”
“My God, what sort of a monster are you?”
I immediately punched him in the face, put him in a headlock, and arrested him after I’d spat in his mouth and kicked him in the balls.
Mr. Gadkari then took to the stage.
Thanks for your bravery inspector, chicken and beer is on me tonight, or should I say the taxpayers!
No but seriously, the government of India has invested over 40,000 crores in the development of our highways. We are constructing more than 5 kilometers of new roads every day, and our final goal is to provide world-class transport infrastructure in this country. All of this development has only one single aim however, to provide a network of highways on which bikers can set made-up speed records, and get a framed and laminated certificate from a cold drinks company to prove their achievement.
The entire reason NHAI was established was because a lot of motorcyclists had complained that their Kashmir to Kanyakumari and Golden Quadrilateral record runs, in which they attempted to ride non-stop for as long as they could before they started to fall asleep and hallucinate flying Unicorns vomiting rainbows, were becoming too dangerous. We decided to divert our entire country’s resources to provide this network of roads to the bikers, to make sure that they never run out of ideas to try and kill themselves, and other innocent bystanders obviously.
The biker we’ve just arrested is an aberration, and he does not reflect the riding community at large. If people just start riding for the joy of riding, what will be the point of all these 16 lane highways? What will we do with the thousands of crores of toll we collect everyday? The entire fabric of society as we know it will be ripped to bits, and we cannot let that happen. This is why we have initiated a CBI probe into this incident, along with a joint parliamentary committee investigation, and we’ve got our best scientific minds working on this issue as well, who will now try to explain just what the fuck is going on.
One of the scientists then took to the dais.
I am the head of research at AIIMS, and we have established a team of behavioral psychologists, brain surgeons, and psychiatrists to get a handle on this situation. Based on the scientific literature we have been able to get our hands on till now, this type of behavior in bikers hasn’t been observed since the beginning of 2000s, and it was believed that all such people who ride without a reason had gone extinct by mid 2004.
We believe what we are looking at is a new species of biker, one that has evolved out of the primordial soup of Facebook, Instagram, and noobs on Xbhp asking everyone if adding an FFE to their Pulsar 150 will make it go beyond 150 kmph. This new species is highly intelligent, adaptive, and doesn’t give a single shit about records, causes, or festivals.
Society as we know it could be in danger, we do not know how many of them are out there, and the best thing we could do right now is saw off this biker’s skull, observe his brain, and give him some shocks or something to see if there’s anything we can do to stop this epidemic. We all have to be strong, for our children, I shudder to think of the future if we fail.
No highways choked by Bullet rallys? Cancer and rape everywhere because nobody is riding against them? No speed records, no dead bodies, no burnt bikes? Can you live with yourself if you leave such a future for your kids?
Later, we were able to get a statement from the parents of the arrested biker.
As soon as he was 13, we bought him a motorcycle, and by the time he was 15 he’d graduated to a ZX-14R. Every time he would ride from his college to home, we used a stopwatch to time him, and see if he was able to beat the record set by Sharma ji’s son. Every Holi we loaded his bike with color, water balloons, and petrol in cheap jerry cans. What did we do wrong? We tried our best to make him an upstanding citizen of the biking community, it’s not our fault that he turned out to be a hippie faggot without a sense of right or wrong.
More than anybody else, we feel sorry for the good people at Limca. What are they going to do if people are no longer interested in setting records approved by them? Make cold drinks? It’s hard to even imagine them doing that, but these are dark times. Oh God, what have we done!
The biker, sweaty and uncomfortable in his leather riding gear and full-length boots, has been locked up in solitary since yesterday, wondering what the hell is going on. Disowned by his family, hated by bikers, and about to be experimented on by evil scientists, he doesn’t realize what he has done.
If only he’d told the policeman “You don’t know who my dad is”.