New Delhi: In a surprising move by the Govt., Mr. Suvil Susvirkar, motorcycle editor for Indianautosblog, was sworn in today as the new finance minister of India, replacing Nirmala Sitharaman with immediate effect.
In a sudden press conference convened by the home minister, the reasons for this abrupt change were given by Mr. Shah.
As you may be aware, the fiscal policies of Ms. Sitharaman have not been very popular with the market, especially the auto sector. In today’s uncertain times, with Trump trade wars, UK Brexit concerns, and fears of a recession, we needed someone who can predict the future correctly, and with absolute confidence, no matter how many times they are proven wrong.
In the last few weeks, I had formed a special parliamentary committee to look for just such a person. On the 24th of this month, they strongly recommended to me Mr. Susvirkar as the man for the job, thanks to this article he wrote about the KTM Duke 890 replacing the KTM Duke 790.
A man who can so confidently predict the replacement of a bike not yet launched, with a bike that does not yet exist, is extremely well equipped to lead our country through these difficult times.
I wish him the best of luck in his new role, and assure him of our complete trust in his abilities.
Mr. Susvikar then gave the reporters this statement.
I thank Mr. Shah for this great opportunity. Honestly, this is a job that I feel I have trained my entire life for.
In 2010 I completed my masters degree in Astrology. Soon afterwards I did my Ph.D in numerology, with the thesis on a scientific method to predict the future from the flavor and hairiness of cat poo.
Indianautosblog hired me direct from college, and I couldn’t have been happier. They have given me the perfect platform to thoroughly practice my abilities to confidently predict the future, be it claiming the 390 Adventure launch that never actually happened, or discussing in painful detail the render of the instrument cluster of a bike nobody really cares about.
I will continue to give it a 100% in my new role as the finance minister, and I predict that by the Q3 of 2020, India will be the number 1 financial superpower in the world, or a desolate wasteland inhabited only by earthworms and lizard people.
The markets have nosedived since this announcement, with the BSE dropping 11000 points, and the NSE dipping into negative integers for the first time in history. The Govt. has deployed 30,000 army soldiers in Mumbai to take control of the city, and all stock brokers have been indefinitely put under house arrest.
Aaj Tak described the situation as “normal”.