helmetless cop biker

5 reasons why you are NOT a Biker.

Everyone wants to be cool, everyone wants to be hot. Everyone knows that bikers are both, for reasons that I have discussed in this article.Β So just like everyone becomes a “nerd” nowadays, just by installing a shitty custom ROM on their shitty smartphone, everyone becomes a “biker” just by swinging a leg over anything with 2 wheels.

Folks, I’ve got some news for you. Being a biker isn’t about just riding a bike! Hard to believe, isn’t it? But it is true. So when you think you are an ultra-macho, Batman vs. Superman cool biker, revving hard on your Unicorn and urging anyone and everyone to race, you are really nothing but an attention whoring bitch. So hold on to your vajayjay as I give you 5 reasons why you are NOT a biker, at least not a real one.

1. You race people on public roads

Last Sunday I was on a 820 km journey from Kota to Mumbai. I had been riding for about 12 hours, under extreme heat and dusty conditions, and was just about to enter Thane. The 6 lane highway suddenly gave way to a 2 lane crowded city street, so I slowed down considerably. And then, voila! Our bitch-ass, “real” bikers entered the picture.

2 teenagers, on a Unicorn, overtook me from the left side, very close and at very high-speed. None of them were wearing any gear, not even a helmet. The pillion was urging the driver to race me, and the stupid guy with his hands on the handlebars was trying his best to. They would overtake me like 2 assholes on a bike, and then slow down, let me pass, only to overtake me again like 2 buttplugs on a bike.

At some points they just went bat shit insane, swinging from side to side, overtaking vehicles like morons. I really wanted to reach to their side, kick the driver in the nuts, slap the pillion on his stupid face, push a metal rod in the front tire and watch their faces grate on the asphalt. But luckily they went left on a side-road somewhere, and I continued on my way.

I bet you a 1000 bucks, these guys went to their friends and told huge tales of their bravery and valor. That how a guy on a weird orange bike and colorful clothes was beaten in a race by them. I have also seen such boy-racers come to a real race track and literally pee themselves scared.Β If you race people on public roads, you are a despicable burden on this planet and should be killed with a nail gun blast to your crotch.

2. You keep your helmet on the mirror, or your arm, or anywhere except your stupid little head

These guys are a special kind of stupid, aren’t they? They somehow find the time in their busy schedule of cock-sucking, and buy a shitty little 200 buck helmet. Oh but they are too busy to actually put it on when they are riding! So they leave it lying somewhere on the bike, only to put it on when they see a cop in the distance. Many a times even cops don’t wear helmets, and that is just shameful on so many levels.

These Einsteins mostly ride a bike only to show-off, and that purpose is entirely defeated if they are wearing a helmet, since girls can’t see their deformed faces and get multiple orgasms where they stand. To add more spice to the dish, they wear brightly colored headphones, talk while they ride and listen to Justin Beiber when not talking.

There’s a reason why wearing a helmet is mandated by law, and the reason is that no one would like little pieces of your brain to mess up their paint jobs. I personally don’t give 2 fucks about you not wearing a helmet, hitting a wall and splitting open down center. What I do give a fuck about is your blood stains on my bike, and your post-mortem paperwork that I will have to fill.

3. You use a mobile phone while riding

Oh my fucking god, why did you ever create these morons? If you ever thought using a phone while driving a car is dangerous, welcome to India! On so many different occasions, in so many different states, on so many different bikes I have seen these pathetic excuses for people, talking and even texting while on the move.

Whenever I see this travesty occurring, all I want to do is ride close to them, snatch their phone and smash it in their face, then push their head into the fuel tank and lock their front brake, sending them cartwheeling to death. Riding a bike is inherently dangerous, because Physics is a bitch. On top of that you decide to send a stupid joke to your two-timing girlfriend with one hand on the phone and one on the throttle.

Again, I don’t care if you drop your 500 buck phone and I run it over, I don’t care if you lose control, fall into a raging sewer river and die. What I do care about is you dangling side to side, not able to control the bike with one hand, while adjusting your phone with the other, and scratching my tank or tearing my jeans. So keep your phone in your pocket, your hands on the handlebar, and your blood inside your body.

4. You ride on the wrong side of the road

This traffic hazard becomes most apparent while riding through Rajasthan. You might be confused into thinking you have suddenly entered America, as hordes of bikers will be riding on the wrong side of the road, that too with such confidence and conviction that you can do nothing more than stop in your tracks and admire their balls.

But then you take a look at the other side, there are cows roaming around, dead dogs on the road, a general desi feelingΒ and you realize you are still in India. What the fuck then? You keep your eyes open, try to see if there is some roadblock, some accident, some biblical catastrophe. None! Then why are these people breaking all rules of the road and common sense to do this stupidity?

Turns out the next U-turn spot on the road was about 50 meters away, and these dickless imbeciles can’t be bothered with such huge wastage of their precious time. So they flush all decency down the toilet and march on together on the wrong side. Things become even more insane when these people start following rules while breaking them! Let me explain.

There will be a guy on the wrong side of the road, but he will be on the right side in the wrong side of the road. This means that he will be directly in the path of the fastest lane, dragging his ass at 20 kmph, flashing his headlight and honking like a donkey in heat. I hope to god these buttfucking anal scumbags crash into the divider and a heavy-duty road-roller crushes them to pulp while they are still alive.

5. You honk incessantly, ride through crowded streets at high speeds, and have no value for others and their rights

This is a rather broad category that combines the hormone-fueled compulsions of these alpha-males, who are always in a hurry and give no value to anyone else. Ever been stuck in front of one of these asshats? They will burst open your ear with the constant honking of their pressure horns, will try to overtake you from left, right, up or down, and treat pedestrians like Nazis treated Jews.

The road doesn’t belong to your daddy, it is a public asset that you get to borrow for a certain time. While you are on this public asset, be as nice as possible, not as obnoxious as imaginable. This attitude is especially rampant in small towns, where guys with long hair and tight pants do gedis around the city, eve-teasing little girls and creating general sadness.

Another type here would be the guys who always ride with their high-beam on at night. I understand that it is a bit difficult for bikers to see after dark, given the propensity of other buttholes in trucks, cars and buses to light up the road crazy. Even then you should try your best to stay with low-beams, don’t go and join the merry gang, be the bigger guy.

Riding in India is NOT a good experience, mostly. This is because of the above mentioned 5 types of people, who really ought to be given rat-poison and buried in shallow mass graves. Bad roads are bad, but bad people are worst. So next time you proclaim yourself to be the king of bikers, look inside, look around, and remember – real bikers don’t care about being noticed, or applauded, or worshiped, they ride because they ride.

109 thoughts on “5 reasons why you are NOT a Biker.”

  1. I am not a biker, but these are good tips for anyone biking. Also, I see many people driving cars guilty of the cell phone thing, which can be quite scary when they nearly hit you when you had the right away to cross the street. I hope you are enjoying the A to Z Challenge.

    1. I think we should form a team and beat the crap out these guys (the so called riders) and torture them, like the one in movie “saw”. fuck man: my friend got killed cause of these motherfucking street racers

  2. Well, this write up of yours is a paradox. You have expressed all the atrocious things going on the road in a way that actually made me laugh. I also feel the same way about these morons who break rules and end up breaking their own bones in process. These so called bikers are solely responsible for giving a bad name to our community.
    Well woven piece, dude

    1. I wasn’t laughing when I wrote it man! I was boiling up with rage, might get high BP and a mini heart attack soon πŸ˜‰ I just hate such ignorant people, they not only give a bad name to our community, they rob us of riding pleasure, something I hold very dear.
      Thanks for your feedback! Cheers.

    2. Chill down dude. It seems all we can do is to try our best to motivate and inform about safe and sane riding practices to many ignorant souls out there!

  3. Kudos to you Akhil for writing this article and for taking your precious time categorizing these dickwads so aptly.
    I really hope they are educated enough to sniff the sarcasm intended and mend their foolish ways πŸ™‚

  4. Physics is a bitch…LOL!!!!
    I prefer cars…you know what I think of bikes:
    Unprotected boxes, capable of hurling you at speeds much more than GOD designed you to handle.
    But you already know that…don’t you…
    dropping by from the A-Z challenge πŸ˜›

    1. It’s possible the amount of rage I have for stupid “bikers” sent me into the Pulp Fiction mode πŸ™‚

  5. Too much swearing Akhil XD XD
    you were really pissed off while writing this LOL
    nice write up and list totally agree with you bro.

  6. Seriously ROFLing this is even more here in punjab, there are more breeds of ‘riders’ that will make you cringe, such as kids on activas, tripling on r15s, no helmets whatsoever and over the top bribing cops, Also, 1995 yamaha rx100s with two exausts, and people riding cbrs and bullets wearing shorts and kainchi chappals, of course without helmets. Pulsar 150s with r15 heads, and with mudguards removed.

    1. I know man, spent the first 18 years of my life in Punjab! This are pretty scary there, especially anywhere except Chandigarh πŸ™‚

  7. I was returning from a long ride and this Pulsarmaniac did the similar thing with as mentioned by you in point #1. He seemed to be from a circus where he did some stunt riding which he was trying to do on road. I kept ignoring him and to my amazement he followed me till my street. He was riding very rash and riding with switching hands on the handle bar, leaning on straights in city traffic and what not. He kept challenging me to race. I was in full gear on my 390 so he probably thought that I was evoking him to race. I was surprised to see that people are so jobless that he followed me. Such idiots make you angry and spoil the fun of the ride at the same time. Best you can do is to ignore them.

    1. True man! They really are as jobless as it gets πŸ™‚ Although it is really hard to not get annoyed and smack them on the face with a hammer.

  8. Went through your article. Lots of swear words but mostly the words I would call them during my commute. I am from kerala and things are extreme sometimes. The one category that you missed is the donkeys who overtake in blind curves when you slow down.

  9. I really wish that if there is a GOD above then please kill all those assholes who ride with their high beams on in city limits. Well not only in city anywhere. As per me low beam provides much clarity of the road.

    1. There is no God Gaurav, or all of the assholes mentioned in this article would never have been born in the first place πŸ™‚
      High beams are required for high speed areas, and ghats, particularly those where streetlights are not there. Rest everywhere low beams are much better and useful.

  10. Absolutely true & well descriptive article. I believe these moronic riders, drivers are everywhere in India. Its pathetic while riding and takes helluva patience. I think people should be educated right from pre-schools, because this is a life-death situations when you get on road.

    1. True man, people take driving/riding on our roads just too damn lightly. Responsible behaviour on the roads needs to be taught from the start.

  11. A new addition to this elite class of street idiots are some guys on classic 350’s with an aftermarket silencer making the most terribly irritating noise ever heard, Hats off to their thinking abilities that they even try to outrace a duke on a traffic signal.!

    1. hahah so fucking true.. the other night i met a couple of 500 REs… they literally challenged me to a race for a 5000 bucks … i have an RC390 and a 200NS… i was on my NS and yet smoked the shit out of thm “butt plugged” asses… wonder what the RC would have done …. i know i was irresponsible in doing so, however the open roads were too inviting in broad daylight .. plead guilty

  12. Dear Author, enjoyed reading every word of it.
    Especially the “I hope to god these butt fucking anal scumbags crash into the divider and a heavy-duty road-roller crushes them to pulp while they are still alive.”

    We(me and my friends on a car) once avoided a head on with a truck on the NH7 @ a blind curve. I really, really wished he died or somebody cut off his balls so that he would not pollute this earth with a specimen.

  13. You should open up your own youtube channel, we need more Indian riders like you who actually care for safety on the road.

    1. Thanks man. I tried working on videos, but it’s just too much work! 1 guy alone handling 3 websites, a youtube channel, a full time job and crazy riding is too much πŸ™‚

  14. I don’t know if you all can relate to it.
    But in the words of great Russell Peters:
    The men with shorter d**** try much more to get laid.
    That is because they have a point to prove.

    Anyone who loves his/her motorcycle and loved riding has got nothing to prove.

    Personally, I respect the machine on which I ride, the place where I ride and the people with whom I ride.

    Very good write-up.

  15. I saw a guy carrying his helmet on his hand drop it on the road and it hit the front wheel of the scooter behind him (in front of me), the scooter rider got off, without a word, picked up that helmet and threw it into a massive shit filled open drain while the dickbird who dropped it watched in horror. It was one of the best things I’ve seen in 14 years of riding.

  16. Thanks for posting this article, there were some shit that I used to do before reading this, rarely, however, because everyone was doing it. But it made me realise my mistakes.

  17. I simply love the choice of words in this write up Akhil. It reflects the frustration of all sane bikers who wish Indian roads could be a better place to enjoy the two wheels and an engine.
    Would like to read more of your articles in the future…

  18. HI Akhil

    I was tip toeing through whether to pick up the KTM Duke 390…then i stumbled on to riderzone…Your Writeups are fucking hilarious to the point that i cannot believe that the Censor Board of India has not closed down this website..

    Keep writing dude!!!!!

    2 Butt plugs on a bike..jeez dude – you are out of the word πŸ™‚

      1. Dude…thought i should update you…just picked up the white today….

        One word – like a 14 year old and his first orgasm….

        i am still shaking!!! πŸ™‚

  19. You really need lessons in English and proper public writing. And why do you have the urge to criticize everyone ? Do you have any idea why people install custom roms ?
    You need to visit a psychologist bro πŸ™‚
    That’s what I could infer from the way you write the articles.

    1. Thanks for your completely useless inference bro. I’ll file it under the “fuck that shit” drawer in my giant cabinet of pointless comments.

    2. Dude – don’t like the articles, don’t read them. I don’t get why people react to articles like this. It’s a freedom of speech and the only way you got offended was if you were under one (or more) of the mentioned offences!! You should stick to other pointless articles around the web!!

  20. Well kudos to you blowing your own trumpet calling yourself a “True” biker! Interesting read this article. Even more so the comments. To be abso-fucking-lutely honest with you, I despise the fact that these people even get their hands on a motorbike. I don’t think it’s even a mandate to have a license to ride let alone a helmet and that’s the failure of policing and jurisdiction. But it makes more sense to call these riders ‘butt plugs’ ‘assholes’ etc as that kinda makes you feel cool. I hope you fucking die riding your mediocre riding machine KTM you bitch ass as writing something shitty and opinionated deserves that. You think you are a rider? I am sure you have gone pro on your KTM and that is the fact which makes you a ‘Rider’ or a ‘biker’. You are a prick with a massive ego nothing else. Just die, fucking die you double standard douche. I am sure you have done all these so called sins of bikers yourself. Your bigotry doesn’t even amuse me a bit. You did leave me so fucking agitated though that I am even bothering writing about this crappy, worthless and meaningless piece of shit, you dare to call an article! Peace out… Dummy…

    1. hey Ash relax ,you just went full retard, never go full retard. Keep up the awesome work Akhil everything in the article is actually what happens on Indian roads

  21. Sparing the fact about your raucous incessant bitching about royal enfield bikes in every second post that you make (perhaps due to being denied entry in RE exclusive riders club) i have to agree with this post…….and dont forget the butt-pirates who treat road as their living room riding their bikes side by side ON BUSY ROADS chatting with each other completely oblivious tht person behind them might not be patient enough to keep tailing and wants to overtake…..also stupid female drivers…….foolish children chasing a stupid cricket ball across a road……hazards for indian bikers are endless

  22. You should come to Bangalore sometime. You would probably have a whole post dedicated to them. From performing wheelies on their RX100s in a busy street to keeping the helmet on the head without actually wearing it to riding on footpaths and honking at pedestrians to squeezing between 2 vehicles into a space where a person couldn’t even stand to their whimsy swinging from the left lane to turn right at the next opening we have it all here. Highly unsafe.

  23. I thought i would see a fresh acumen in how to be responsible but you simply showed me a glimpse of your vulgar, filthy, arrogant and an insensitive mindset… how boring πŸ™

  24. Road rage much? (Not that I disagree!)
    Did you miss those super dads who try to race through red lights when piled on high with his own kids and all nieces and nephews, guaranteeing the extinction of his family line with one small miscalculation of space and time?

      1. hell yeah man !!! thats one crazy shit…im already looking forward to that article … !!!

  25. Hahahaha every word of that is true but about the needless insults on other people is not required! Anyways that’s your opinion and the way you handle things!Kudos! A good read to go to sleep And wake up the next day and go through all the above facts!
    Cheers mate!

  26. While I don’t agree with the language of this write-up, it is very true. Every time I see these inconsiderate ass-holes whiz past everyone, show-boating or maneuvering dangerously on public roads, I wish these guys get the Darwin award. Their DNA is too good for this world and need to be put in the heavens where they belong.

  27. So very true!!! I shouldn’t laugh about it but the article really tickled my funny bone. Every word is sorta correct feeling that even I feel when I see these things happening around… I am no biker but I ride my small little activa to its merit (slow) but when I see these things happening around I feel like going over to those people and giving them a piece of my mind. They r not only endanger themselves but also the people around.

  28. Great write up man !
    I met a bunch of baboons (arguably same species) on two wheel in NH8 and was planning to put up a review . But as I found your article , decided not to honk on the same topic again !
    Now , off these self boasted morons (those commenting about the “shoulds , woulds and coulds” of a rider’s opinion !), they surely have introduced themselves as a mere virtual video gamer , and nothing else !
    Keep up the good work !

  29. dude im so fucking in love with your articles… man !! theyre jz awesome … yea totally agree since i experience the same feelings as described above.. well have even smashed a guys head on the handlebar when he abused me for driving within the speed limits in the dead of the night with no street lights..

    mate u forgot one point … 6. You will break the rules and then abuse incessantly no matter who is on the other side… be it a lady or an elderly person…

    would love to read an edit on this post πŸ˜€

  30. Hey awesome post man..
    I’ve experienced it twice first laughed at and challenged by morons on a KTM in traffic for wearing gear. 2nd by dog on a triumph thunderbird who was riding without a basic helmet with his royal enfield and yamaha r15 bitches to back him.

    Well it’s real nice to read your posts. Keep it coming.

  31. You forgot the ones who try to push their bikes between other vehicles with no space at all. As if they are entering their mother’s womb back again.

    Also there are those who think they can do off roading on footpaths just for a 20 second red light.

    I have literally slapped 3-4 idiots on way back from office, all of them came so close to my bullet, would have brushed against my leg if I hadn’t slapped.

  32. your articles are bang on point man….couldn’t agree with you more. The BLR highway limit is 80 and so I was going at 80….this man in a XUV 500 comes in blazing and gives me this disgusted look….wtf was that? you are over speeding when everyone is calmly cruising at 80. this is what happens when govt distributes licences

  33. I love your posts.. Btw another thing i hate is that at signals.. When there’s red, and the road is free and there’s no cop standing by, people tend to slowly move and if we aren’t, they’ll start to honk like stupids..
    These people even turn those few good people who are still following the rules to bad..

    1. One day I actually crossed the signal slowly like an tortoise Cz others are doing the same and am in front line.

      1. It all takes one guy and the rest follows.. Everybody at first will stop right on the line.. Then one bit*h will move in the front and stop over the zebra crossing and then the rest will follow and move their machines slowly..
        If there are no cops, they’ll just ignore the signal, look left/right and run away!

      2. It all takes one guy and the rest follows.. Everybody at first will stop right on the line.. Then one bit*h will move in the front and stop over the zebra crossing and then the rest will follow and move their machines slowly..
        If there are no cops, they’ll just ignore the signal, look left/right and run away!

  34. Hey Akhil,
    I’ve been a fan of your writing for some time now and your articles always been a treat – probably because I share a lot of the same views as you about morons on the road!
    However, I think you could easily do without disrespect towards God (like in point 3 in this article). Absence of phrases like this wouldn’t really take anything away from your writing and I’m sure some of us would appreciate that πŸ™‚

    1. πŸ™‚ I can’t do that, my hate towards religion is far higher than my hate towards squids. The only reason I’m not writing articles dedicated against the concept is god is that there are far too many people already doing the same thing.

  35. Lovely write-up. I could relate to so much of these situations. I want to bring to attention a few other types I have encountered.
    1) Old uncles driving a scooter at 20 kmph in the middle of the road and don’t even yield when several vehicles are queued up behind them. I try not to honk while driving but man do these guys piss me off. I just want to stuff my horn up their rear and honk away. This category also includes auto-rickshaws and over-loaded Ace Piaggio trucks which are incapable of keeping up with the speed limit.
    2) Guys who keep re-painting their old two-stroke bikes RX100, RX135 and think they are da bomb. There is a reason why emission norms were made more strict. Stuck behind them in a signal while their silencers spew out billows of white smoke while standing in the sweltering humid heat of Chennai – there is no better way to start a Monday.

      1. There’s a vlogger called Yammie Noob (don’t know what the name means). But he makes a series of videos on the different types of bikers. You should watch it.

  36. @akhilkalsh:disqus some kid wanted to race me on the street and i remembered reading this article and then i just said to that punk “NO” cuz real bikers don’t race on the street cuz i don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

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