The parents of a 40 year old man announced today that they have adopted a new and exciting 20 year old, and it would be rather nice if the old guy could make some space and move out of the house.
Lin Jarvis, the father, sent out an official press release making the announcement. He clearly attempted to soften the blow of the news, telling the 40 year old man, identified as one Valentino Rossi, that he has the entire 2020 to find a new home, and promised to not even change the WiFi password afterwards.
When asked for a more detailed comment, Mr. Jarvis said:
“I mean sure we had some good times, Rossi has always been very popular among all the parents, but in the last few years he hasn’t even brought home a single 1st prize. Look at Puig’s kid, why can’t Rossi be more like Marquez?
We’re simply tired of never being invited to the annual functions, and the prize distribution ceremonies. We are not the proud parents we once were, we just want to remember what’s it like to win again.
Of course if even after 2020 he still feels he wants to stay with us, he can move into the servant’s quarters out back. We’ll paint it up just like his old room, and he won’t even know he ever moved out.”
We also reached out to Mr. Rossi for clarification, and got this response:
“This isn’t my fault! You know my schoolbag has been torn from one side since 2017, I kept asking them to repair it, but nobody cared. I kept asking for a red pen and a black pen, but only got old blue pens with half the ink gone. When I asked for new books for the exams, they gave me 5 year old ones that my sister had left behind!
I still pushed very hard, but the competition is just too tough. These new kids with their fancy new gadgets are just too much for me. I mean I’ve been making math calculations on my fingers all this time, and then Marquez comes along with a fucking scientific calculator! The old one I have is only good for spelling 80085.”
With most parents already having chosen their kids for the next few years. Mr. Rossi is going to have a hard time finding a new adoptive family, especially at his age. We spoke to Gigi, one of the parents:
We made the mistake of adopting an old guy a few years back, and it just didn’t work out you know. First he was like lazy and slow, so we decided to kick him out, but then suddenly he started beating all the other kids to pieces, and we felt like total idiots. It was too late to do anything by that time, but now we only want young blood, fresh meat. Too bad we’re stuck with a 30 and a 33 year old for now.
There is a lot of speculation about the future of Mr. Rossi, some commentators believe it’s likely he’ll end up becoming a parent himself, especially considering how teenagers are magnetically attracted to him. Others believe he’ll struggle on, be adopted by poorer and poorer families, until the humiliation becomes unbearable.
We wish the best of luck to him, and hope he bows out in a blaze of glory.