weeks years ago, the mighty and benevolent Gods of motorcycling at Ixigo posted an article titled 16 Hand Signals Every Biker Should Know Of, along with that brilliantly beautiful Facebook caption “Ride or die, remember?”. It was written by someone called Shewali, whose description was “She is mostly travelling; if not blabbering or gorging. That’s all folks!”.
What better way to improve your riding skills than to follow advice from a website that has nothing to do with motorcycles, given by someone who probably hasn’t ridden one, ever.
The moment I read that shit, I knew I had to fuck with it.
No biker needs to learn ANY kind of hand signals, ever. Let me tear through the possible situations where you might need to use these comically unnecessary movements, and then tell you how and why you need to get out of that situation.
Situation 1: You are riding with a bunch of idiots
The first situation in which you might need to tell the bikers following you to take a right turn with your arm, when you could do the same thing with your indicator, is if you are riding with an ungodly conglomerate of shitheads. These are the kind of people who can’t tell apart a motorcycle from a litter box, and must be stayed away from at all times as far as possible.
Action to be taken: Get away from them and get a life.
Situation 2: You are a self-important cunt who loves telling others what to do
The second situation in which you might need to tell the bikers following you to turn left, right, speed up, slow down, spit or swallow, occurs when your father never loved you and your mom never loved him. You find pleasure in herding around a group of sheep-humans, finding faults in their every action, and making them lick your balls.
Action to be taken: Ride your motorcycle off a cliff, kindly.
Situation 3: You are riding with such a giant horde that you are afraid of everyone crashing into you
The third situation, seen quite commonly with these so-called “brotherhoods” and “rides for causes”, happens when you, in a misguided attempt to become a biking celebrity cum attention whore, call on whoever has 2 wheels and a beating heart to join you in that public rape of everything that’s good and holy about motorcycling, and you attempt to use these hand signals to stop these dicks from penetrating your behind.
Action to be taken: Refer to situation 2.
Ride solo. If you can’t, ride only with people you trust. Motorcycling is not a team game, it’s an intensely personal experience. All these hand-signals seem to do is take that pleasure away from you, forcing you to share it with a bunch of people you don’t even give a shit about.
When you ride with dudes you believe in, intelligent dudes, dudes with personalities, they don’t need to be TOLD what to do, they see you, and they know.
Thanks for the legal notice by the way Ixigo!