The experiment fails

By | February 4, 2017

I’ve always attempted to live my life as a series of experiments, that seems to be the only way to not die of regret. At the base of all these experiments is always the singular question, “What if?”.

Curiosity.

What if I gave up on the IT life? What if I got a job about my passion? What if I was my own boss? These 3 questions define the last 6 years of my existence. In some ways it is sad that the pursuit of these questions has led to exponentially higher levels of misery, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s always better to know.

I’ve learned many things from these experiences, and I hope I’ll be able to make better decisions because of them in the future. It is however quite likely that I would continue to waste my life chasing idiotic answers that make no sense.

It is fun.

After 2 years of fucking around, I now have a regular job again. I spent these 2 years trying to understand what it felt like to have a job about something that you have an emotional attachment to, and what it felt like to have no job at all. Here’s what I learned.

For a person like me, it was a monumentally stupid idea to get a job about motorcycles. The overlap between work and fun was absolute, and I spent most of my time chasing the latter. I understood that I don’t really work well under pressure, and that it is quite impossible for me to work for someone else, unless it is something completely tasteless and ordinary. I also understood that I rather suck at marketing, the basic principle of which is the art of gaining attention, which is something that I detest. Most importantly, I realized that I’m not really a constructive creative individual, but a rather negative nihilistic one.

Not having a job and working for myself was far better as far as physical and mental health goes, but in every other aspect it was a disaster. I am a completely unmotivated individual, I do not give a shit about anything. I don’t care how many views my website gets, how many Youtube subscribers I have, or how much money I make per month. I know what I should do if I want to be a successful blogger, and I don’t do any of those things, on purpose. This means that either I don’t want to be successful, or that I’m incapable of doing the right thing. Either way, it is a frustrating experience to want to do something, and then have to fight your own damn self to do that same bloody thing.

My motivation to write has completely gone away since I’ve come to the UK. It appears that the only reason I wrote those long, angry articles was because I was trapped in India, and venting out my frustrations seemed like the only logical solution. Another evidence in this direction is the fact that I’ve lost most of my sarcasm.

I’m no longer trapped in India, and I’m no longer dependent on motorcycles, hence I have no irritations to upload online. The less I think about motorcycles, the more I realize what a stupid culture I’ve always been a part of, a culture of Royal Enfields and superbikes and showoffs. One of the primary qualities one requires to be a popular figure around automobiles, is the ability to elevate cars and bikes to something that’s not just a machine. The easiest way to do this is by introducing fashion into the culture, helping useless companies sell pointless stuff. It is painful that I wasted so many years of my life spending energy that fueled this mindlessness.

I enjoy motorcycles, but I don’t want to be a biker anymore.

In my new job, I am an insurance claims processor in a taxi company. It is probably the most banal job I’ll ever have, and I love that. When I get out of office, I’m free. I’m not constantly thinking about that one thing that overpowers my existence. I make minimum wage, which is a fucking insane amount of money for someone of my wants.

I haven’t had this type of financial security in years.

I walk, run, cycle, read books, meet new people, and experiment some more. A few days ago I met a man from Sierra Leone. Today I met a man from Afghanistan. I’m working with proper Brits, under a Pakistani boss, with people from Poland, Kenya, and Sri Lanka.

I have no need for social media anymore, my entire reason for posting stuff online was to get more traffic to my website, and once you start, it’s never enough. It is surreal to find that you haven’t looked at your phone in 5 hours, that you haven’t refreshed your Facebook feed all day, that you didn’t feel the need to post anything on Instagram for a week.

My life now spans only a 5 mile radius around myself, not dependent on online connections thousands of kilometers away.

I live in a tiny bedroom in a small house with shared kitchen and bath, I can pack my bags and fuck off in an hour. I have nothing of value, no car, no bike, no credit card. I take trains, taxis, buses, and sometimes good people give me lifts in their cars.

This is my new experiment, a completely ordinary life in a far away land.

My apologies to anybody who looked forward to my articles, I don’t think I’ll be writing much for at least the next few months. On the bright side, it is possible that the lack of reading material from my end would force you to expose yourself to something better. I obviously still love writing, but I think it was a mistake to try to make that into a career.

It’s better to keep somethings that you do for no reason.

  • BrammA M

    When I was so engrossed with the GoPro-s of the world you introduced me to SJCAM; when I was so-in-love with Spartan/Alpinestars/etc of the world, you introduced me to TBG (Gloves & Jackets) and many more things. Indeed I visited the website today for such a similar thing. It’s disappointing that you ain’t gonna write anymore at the same time its good to see a guy who has the guts to do what he wants do (especially when what he wants isn’t clear :P). Godspeed, Akhil!

  • twizy

    have fun bro… πŸ˜‰

  • Kiran MVV

    was so looking forward to the Duke 390 2017 vs Dominar comparison… guess I’ll have to do it myself now πŸ™‚

    Have a good life man

    • Akhil Kalsh

      πŸ™‚ it’s all about experience.

  • Deadpool

    An article that starts with “I do not give a shit about anything. I don’t care how many views my website gets, how many Youtube subscribers I have, or how much money I make per month” is ending with “I feel so financially secured”. Lol.

    Happens dude. When you read philosophy through a crashcourse channel on YouTube, you do wish to sound and think like one. Real life mai sab philosophy gand se nikalta hai. Sheer disappointment.

    • Akhil Kalsh

      It’s possible that that the philosophy I have right now is shallow and short-sighted, but who cares, it is what it is πŸ™‚

      • Deadpool

        Of course. So fucking pissed that I won’t get to read from riderzone in a while. All my philosophy collapses as I get to know that a guy I don’t even know is not gonna do something I always appreciated. Cheers man.

  • N Sharma

    at least u gave a worthy shot at the experiment.. i failed or say learned from similar experiments twice, trying to do & more importantly make $ from what i like to do. But sadly, the latter didn’t happen and I was back in the weird IT life.

    not try get back in IT while ur work may still be fresh in your head, no? for all its direct/indirect benefits?..sorry for unsolicited advice.

    and I really enjoyed your articles friend. Since the last u posted in india, I had been reading all articles while waiting for the next (not expecting this).

    anyway, sending you positive vibes πŸ™‚

    • Akhil Kalsh

      I don’t think I can go back to IT. It’s not a bad life, but I’ve already experienced it, I wouldn’t want to do it again, not until I have no other option.

  • SUBHASH REDDY

    hey loser. go and lick purulent white mans ass. however india dosent require loosers like u.

    • Akhil Kalsh

      Yes sir.

      • SUBHASH REDDY

        Bhai I have lot to speak to u. But I am busy right now. I am involved in lot more important things. U know what u won’t understand what u accomplished. U do not understand the greatness in your articles. I was disillusioned with autocar and overdrive. I used to feel cheated. I stumbled on urgent blog. The first thing I used to open in office was your blog. Let me summarise your life. If you get time read it we’ll. You were born in Upper middle class family in bangalore. Read well which is usual. Got good English which was a God gift. Likedo bikes which u expressed
        . We loved it. Did IT. everybody in karnataka does it. Then u won our hearts. Great. But u fell flat then. U have no idea of what India went through from 1800 to 1900 to get freedom 100 million died of hunger. Read it right. 100 million. Still u criticise India on every thING and u behaved as if u got heaven in UK. stay there. Become millionaire. Don’t come back. U are nice but without Indian soul. Like a robot. Padho IT karoo. Gore ka grando gaand chato. U know how dal and rice is grown? I worked in fields in childhood with my father. I know. Today I am superspecialist doctor. In India working for govt serving poor people. U know shot about soul of India. How many taluka are there in karnataka? Dare to reply. Bur I still enjoy reading ur articles. Always salute u r craziness. But develop some national feeling. Good night

  • Gaurav Chopra

    This was bound to happen…………….a man can only be so nihilistic…………….enjoy the new you

  • Rahul P

    You mad bro?

    Do you realize you post stuff that contradicts yourself , as in :
    “I have no need for social media anymore, my entire reason for posting
    stuff online was to get more traffic to my website, and once you start,
    it’s never enough.”

    and

    “I wrote those long, angry articles
    was because I was trapped in India, and venting out my frustrations”

    I get the part about the frustration going away when you live in the west – but they have their share of frustration – like high insurance prices and tax rates, smooth flowing roads that entice you to ride hard and then smother you with ridiculously low speed limits and ridiculously high fines/tickets and the Damocle’s sword of license cancellation. You’d get it if you were a biker there …….

    One again…if the first time wasn’t enough : R U mad bro ?

    PS: you could leave your favorite commenters the option to write guest posts once in a while, should you want to keep the traffic and blog alive.

    • Akhil Kalsh

      πŸ™‚ the blog isn’t important, it’s just a site, I can always start a new one.

      It’s true that the article is full of contradictions, but I think that’s life, or that’s life for me.

  • Rahul Sen

    Good luck . πŸ™‚
    Looks like you found Nirvana.

  • karthik gurunathan

    It was fun reading your articles.
    Godspeed my friend.

  • Abhijeet Baruah

    Yeah, some things we can only learn by trying it out ourselves. It is the journey of self discovery. It is all about answering the question – what makes me tick? And along the way missteps are unavoidable. It is like how darkness makes us see the light. And make no mistake, this journey continues till the very end of our lives.

    Oh, just wait until you get bored with the new job. A long ride should look much more tempting then.