There have been many names, Squids, Roadside Rossis, Street Racers. For the purpose of this article, let’s call them Squids, since Street Racer can be used in a different context, and Roadside Rossi is too long. Here’s my definition.
A Squid is someone on a motorcycle who purposely rides dangerously, knowingly fucks with other road users, and intentionally attempts to entice them into a race, for no good reason or reward. Usually happens to be a young male, rides without protection, and can be found on anything from a Honda Dio to a Suzuki Hayabusa.
For reasons that are sadly obvious, women riders seem to face their wrath far more than men, I’ve seen too many posts of this kind on social media, and have seen it happen in real life as well. This post would be addressed mostly to them, although that shouldn’t stop any guy from helping himself either. Here’s an example of a bunch of dudes getting harassed, although they surprisingly didn’t confront them for some reason. Here’s an example of someone who did, a bit.
It would be dishonest of me to claim that I’ve never been a Squid. When I first got my black Pulsar 150 DTSi, I was 19, a second-year college dude.
I once raced a guy transporting giant milk cans on his LML scooter in the hills, he kicked my ass pretty red. I once followed some VIP’s convoy through thick traffic just to be able to go faster than everybody, had to stop when one of the guards pointed his Sten gun at me. I once tailgated a second generation Maruti 800 for some 60 kms, it didn’t end well, they turned out to be our neighbors, dad’s colleague traveling with wife and 2 daughters.
There’s an actual video of me attempting a 360 burnout on a public road, in shorts, sandals and a tee, without a helmet, and failing miserably.
In that sense, I understand the mentality of Squids on some level. I was showing-off, being a dick, trying to find the limits of me and my bike, and it’s nothing short of a miracle that I didn’t crash and kill myself. I did always wear a helmet, although mostly because I had no option, thanks to my contact lenses, but it wasn’t anything too impressive. I never wore any other gear, apart from those butt sniffing half-finger gloves.
Here are some suggestions then from an ex-Squid on how to handle our kind.
Use an Action Camera
The only thing you can do against an annoying Squid is get him doing something illegal on video, get his license plate number, and get him into a Police Station, everything else is too risky, and might even backfire on you.
On most occasions, as soon as these racers notice that you’ve got a camera on you, they flee. It’s too easy for shit to go viral on social media nowadays, even if the story of harassment isn’t true. Although entirely brainless, these punks do know that once they get caught in the mob mentality, there’s no escape.
Here’s a photo that I just clicked of what my current setup looks like.
There are plenty of options available in the market nowadays, I’ve been using the SJCAM M20 since a few days, and it’s pretty nice and light. The Xiaomi Yi is great if you’re on a tight budget. The final aim is clear footage, good battery life, and light weight. Mounting the camera on the chin section of your helmet is the only comfortable place I’ve found till date. Putting it on the sides or the top messes with the helmet’s aerodynamics, and also creates problems with capturing the scene the way you saw it.
Even if you don’t care much for the Squids, think of the kind of footage you’ll end up with on a daily basis! Upload it on Youtube, let others have a giggle with you.
Don’t get scared
Not only do you have no reason to get scared, that’s the worst thing you can do in that situation. I’ve seen a lot of women on scooties get afraid of these assholes who chase them on bikes. They then try to lose them in traffic, speed away from them, and try to take different routes to evade them.
There’s no possible way you can outrun a Squid in Indian traffic. The only thing that’ll do is make them even happier, like a dog feels when you start running away.
The faster you go, the faster they’ll catch up, and the more mistakes you’ll end up making. Taking short-cuts and side-roads in such an intense situation will make you prone to wrong choices, stay on the main roads where there are people around, rather than getting stuck in some by-lane that snakes to a secluded dead-end.
Understand that YOU are not the one at fault, YOU are doing nothing wrong, YOU have the law and common decency on your side. It’s true that the most obnoxious of these dick farts can become annoying, make vulgar gestures at you, even get threatening, but remember that these anal belches KNOW that they are doing something wrong, that’s part of the rush they get out of this.
Don’t give them the psychological advantage of being in control of your actions.
Don’t get angry
At some point in your life, you must’ve been chased by a stray dog while you were out on a ride. You might’ve become scared, mostly because of the shock of these little shits spawning out of thin air, you might’ve been annoyed at being nearly killed by something suicidal yet adorable, but did you get angry with the dog? No, because that’s what dogs do.
Apply the same principle to Squids. They do these things because of some primal urges inside then that they aren’t able to suppress. You being angry with them not only will be pointless, it might give them that tiny window of opportunity to let out their repressed anger on you, even though you were right all along. This is especially true for guys being harassed by Squids, they are far more likely to rage out on them, and get themselves into trouble.
Being angry makes you do bad things, which in the end might weaken your case against the douchebags. Your attempt must be to always stay on the right side of the law, to make sure when you do get them in Police custody, you have nothing to be afraid of.
On most roads, this seems to be the easiest option. The way most Squids display their skills is by overtaking you too close at high-speed, and then doing this weird left and right slalom thing right in front of you. While they are busy waving their tiny underdeveloped dick around, slow down, get lost in the traffic. Their attention span is nothing more than a few seconds, you’ll be forgotten soon.
Some of the bigger morons might slow down with you, which might mean that you’ll need to stop by the side. On most roads with a divider, stopping by the pavement is usually the end of the game. The dude is certainly an asshole, but he has other fish to harass too, and doubling back all the way just for you is simply inconvenient.
I understand that slowing down and stopping is NOT something you want to do. You are a road user, you just want to go someplace and live your life, and then some jackass comes and ruins your rhythm, forces you to modulate your speed for no reason. If you can fuck their happiness and make them cry in the Police station, by all means, don’t stop. However, if you’d rather not get involved today, this is a way out.
Ask for help
In case the shit gets too real, the Squid gets too dangerous, if you feel like the situation is getting out of your control, especially if there’s a whole bunch of the buggers, get help. You will always be able to spot some Policemen around, go and tell them what’s going on, insist that they take the registration number, send it out on the radio, and catch the guy before he vanishes.
In case you can’t see any Police, find someone else. I’ve always found Auto Drivers to be extremely helpful, however I’m a man, and I rarely get to see their other side. Park your bike and walk into some shop. Take your phone out, call the Police, and film the douches if they are still hanging about. Depending on your situation, try and find people around who you think would be willing to help, create noise, get noticed, and I guarantee you there’ll be many slapping away the Squid right in front of your eyes.
Fuck them up
If you find yourself at the wrong place at the wrong time, if you see no help around, no easy way to defuse the situation, teach these damn perverts a lesson. Here’s a Taser gun that I own, along with this can of Pepper Spray. If used properly, both of them can cause major damage, but you’ll have to spend time and effort learning that. A few cans of Pepper Spray might get wasted in the effort, and you might end up tasing yourself a bit, but it’s all for a good cause.
There was a point when I got so angry with these dicks that I actually used to carry a can of Pepper Spray in my left jacket pocket. I had practiced what I’d do if another one of them tried to run into my front tire.
- Look at them in the eyes.
- Open your left jacket pocket with the left hand.
- Take the can of Pepper Spray out but keep it hidden.
- Twist the head of the can with your left hand to unlock the nozzle.
- Maintain eye contact and maintain control with the right hand all the time.
- Ensure your visor is closed.
- Slow down and call them towards you.
- As soon as they are in striking range accelerate a bit to be slightly ahead of them.
- Let it rip.
- Watch as the slipstream delivers the punch right inside their skull.
I never used this trick, although I did come pretty close a number of times. Even though I generally value human life and try not to harm anybody, watching one of these turtle penises catch some Pepper Spray, fall off the bike, and grate their faces on the warm asphalt is not something I am not capable of doing, with a smile.
Some people have other ideas too. I know a friend who got so angered by one of these buttlickers that he actually kicked one in the handlebars, sending him crashing to the sidewalk.
These Squids were stupid enough to fuck with a whole gang of bikers. This is how it ended.
If push comes to shove, do what you can to make yourself happy. On some level it’s true that most Squids are underage pricks who don’t know any better, but they sooner the learn, the better it is for the world.
It’s sad in many ways that Squids exist, but the fact is that they always will. Young guys with too much testosterone gurgling around in the scrotum will always end up in trouble. What we desperately need is some sort of a system to teach them before they start thinking with their dicks, more policing on the roads, and a general environment of respect for each other. All of these things will take decades, if not more, but in the meantime, don’t let one of them fuck up your day.