Last Week Today: Orgies, RE, and the Government

By | August 5, 2016

It’s been a pretty interesting week. From Guy Martin’s announcement of a land speed record attempt, start of the Dakshin Dare, and me of all people getting something from a manufacturer for a review, things have been fun and exciting, mostly.

Let’s take a look back at some of the more fascinating things that happened in this time, especially the ones that were too stupid to waste an entire article on.

The daily automotive website orgy continues

Can you hear the people behind Rush Lane and Shifting-Gears and Autocar, unzipping their pants, going in dry, and jacking each other off until they are all spent for the day? I can, every time I see something from them by mistake.

One of them, mostly Autocar, starts by jamming its thumb in its asshole, loving it, caressing it, until a new story slowly coils out. As soon as it hits the floor, others join in, smelling the shit, licking it, tasting it, trying to stick their fingers all the way to the prostate to make sure nothing is left unsaid.

Oh have you seen the new TVS Akula 310, I bet it’s going to launch tomorrow *takes his pants off*

Say it again, say Akula 310 to me one more time *slaps his ass*

You like that don’t you? Fuck that, why tomorrow, it’s already launched, you can go and buy one right now *lubes his fingers*

Oh yes, right there, you know just what to say to me baby, don’t stop now *bends over*

You are a naughty boy aren’t you? How about the CS400, does that make you horny baby? *wrist deep in ass*

God yes, that makes me hot daddy, spank me, fuck me so hard that I sound like the CS400’s exhaust *adds 2 fingers to the wrist*

I got something special for you today you whore, take this hard, long story about the KTM Adventure 800 *faster stroking*

Oh I’m gonna cum, show me a spy shot of the KTM 800 *takes fingers out of ass and licks them*

I’m there too baby, turn around and take it so deep you can’t breathe *enter cock with KTM 800 photo impaled on it*

69 me baby, 69 the brains out of me! *camera pans upwards, sound of jizz splatter*

Awwww yeaaaahh *satisfied look on faces like they have done something useful with their day*

In case you were wondering, that was a small meeting between the editors of Rush Lane and Autocar.

It almost makes me happy that writing about bikes makes these people so happy, really happy. Read their reviews of any bike, or gear, or luggage, it’s always fucking fantastic. I’m quite certain now that all these writers are constantly high on LSD, there’s no other way that a normal human being can be so cheerful with everything around them all the time.

Of course the bigger assholes here are the people who actually read these stories, or their magazines. The biggest of them all are those who share them. I’ve heard so many people bitch about how bad the level of automotive journalism is nowadays, how all these sites look like nothing more than the manufacturer’s PR department, and yet these same anal belches share their hilariously retarded articles on WhatsApp, FB and Twitter.

If you don’t like something, stay away from it, and for fucks sake don’t make it a point to tell the entire universe you hate it. The Kardashians, Trump, KRK have created an empire on this strategy, created their mansions on hate. The only thing you can do when you read something dumb on the internet, is to walk away like it never happened.

Same applies to my website too. If you don’t like RiderZone, block it, stop typing the letters in your address bar, unfollow everyone who likes what I post. The more you share my work like “Look at this retard”, the more website views I get, and the more money I make.

Man who knew his shit stops working at RE

Who didn’t see that coming. Pierre Terblanche, the man who created some of the most iconic motorcycles of all time, a man whose creativity on 2-wheels was well established, a man who by some cruel stroke of bad judgement found himself at Royal Enfield, left after less than 2 years.

He made these, look at them, just look.

What was he even doing at RE? My guess is that it was the money. Enfield is doing surprisingly good in the market, far better than I had hoped it would, or had wanted it to. Mr. Lal had some cash lying around, so he said “What the hell, let’s hire the greatest motorcycle designer and see how much we can piss him off.”

Can you imagine the meetings?

Pierre, we need you to put your touch on the RE brand, give us something iconic, something that people recognise instantly.

For sure we can do that, do you have any ideas in mind?

Yes, we were thinking of making a new motorcycle that looks like it was made in the 50s, works like it was made in the 40s, but is priced like it’s made today. Do you think you could work that?

Errrr I’m not sure, we can certainly try some new things, different looks, different par….

Let me stop you right there. Our brand is based on heritage and tradition, so you can’t use anything new or different.

How will you make a new motorcycle then?

*Laughing* Oh Pierre, you know the usual stuff, different colour of paint, exhaust bent slightly more, engine that sounds a bit less like it’ll blow up any second, that sort of stuff.

Are you fucking kidding me? I make motorcycle art, you can’t really expect me….

*Whispering to colleague* Who the fuck is this guy anyway? 

Pierre spent 20 months at RE, during which time only 1 new motorcycle came out, which is the super ugly, but functionally better than most other REs Himalayan. Imagine the kind of pressure you are under, the kind of legacy you are leaving behind.

I’m surprised he lasted this long, creativity is not something that’s appreciated at a place like Royal Enfield, their formula is pretty simple, 10% of same old, 20% of even older, and 70% of brotherhood, tradition and other meaningless bullshit.

Government does a bunch of shit that won’t make any difference

First off, it’s just a bill that is yet to be tabled in the parliament. Bills disappear all the time. Second, just threatening people with “Give me more of your money” doesn’t do jack shit.

The penalty of driving without license has been increased 10 times. Drunk driving will now cost you 10,000 bucks. Not wearing a helmet gets you 1000 bucks and 3 months ban. Who cares? Rules are entirely useless unless there is enforcement, and we all know how much of that we have in this country.

The only difference this bill will make is this: The next time a cop pulls you over for driving without a seat belt, he’ll tell you the fine used to be 100 bucks, now it’s a 1000 bucks, so pay me 500 bucks and get the hell out of here. All of this is IF there are any cops left anywhere after ferrying all of our politicians and VIPs around.

A vast majority of this country simply does not have any traffic police. Villages, small towns, even cities run without a single shred of law. And that’s OK, most of these places aren’t too crowded, so shit doesn’t generally go to bad. Bigger cities is where it’s important, and that’s exactly where it’ll not change anything.

I live in Hyderabad, close to the main city. There are rarely any traffic policemen anywhere here. Whenever they are around, they are mostly just driving very slowly in their pimped out Innovas and creating a jam behind them. When there are any standing cops around, they are too busy stopping random trucks to make some money and create even bigger traffic jams. In my year here, I have never seen a helmetless biker get caught, or a dude talking on the phone while driving be stopped.

Writing a bunch of gibberish in a book that nobody gives a rat’s ass about is useless. You need to teach the kids. All our books tell us nowadays is that you must drive on the left, and stop on a red light. They teach you nothing about basic human decency, politeness on the road, and the rather important fact that your daddy doesn’t own the fucking intersection.

Along with the kids, improve your police department. Give them better salaries, give them a chance to feel that way about their jobs that Army people do. Nobody respects the traffic police here, why would they? Most of them can be seen daily riding their motorcycles without a helmet. Don’t leave being a cop as someone’s last option, something that someone must do when he can’t get admission into an engineering college.

Most importantly, strip these cavalcades from all the shitty VIPs and politicians. Give them helicopters, who cares, it’ll probably cost the same and at least some of them will crash into each other and die.

People on our roads break rules and go ape shit because it’s frustrating to be a driver/rider here. Every step of the way you feel bullied, and the easiest thing to do is to get back at someone by doing the wrong thing.

See you next week!

  • N Sharma

    hey man …hope all’s well. thanks for this post..i felt so relieved for Mr Pierre when he walked away from RE …i think he was going through he own mid life or end life crisis and thought of working at RE in design…design !! and like other of yur articles this got some smiles on my face in an otherwise f’d up day in my f’d up life in f’d up IT job.

    and it gets even more hilarious on RZ.in these days, google ad for RE shows up right besides the bitchin’ you do on RE ..lol .. an ad, that too about RE, where …on RZ.in and that too bang in the middle of all the hate for RE …:D 😀

    • Akhil Kalsh

      🙂 yeah the cheeky RE buggers do that a lot.

  • Abhinav Sharma

    You are right about the fact that they can criticize no shit in whatever they review. They are living it up with the all expenses paid hotel stays and trips to Jaipur, Goa, Munich and some snow place in Switzerland (quattro). Shameful, no car or bike comes with nothing bad. They all love every damn thing. I miss Mr. Clarkson.

    And ya English is like they are singing.

  • Motostories .In

    People really need to stop jerking off on the spyshots. They mean nothing. Lol what about the review of the something you got from the manufacturer 😛

    • Akhil Kalsh

      That’s actually worse sometimes.