KTM bikes are whores, and they must be treated like whores

By | May 27, 2016

There are many different kinds of motorcycles on this planet, and there are many different kind of people too. Different people buy different kinds of motorcycles for different reasons at different times, and different people treat their motorcycles differently for different reasons. Here are the 4 different kinds of mentalities that exist among bike owners:

  1. Motorcycles are like Wives: These are your Royal Enfield and other classic bike owners, who spend more time with their bikes than with their kids, mostly trying to stop that oil leakage or that silencer from falling off. Most of their life is spent fighting, arguing and cursing each other, but divorce is rarely an option.
  2. Motorcycles are like Girlfriends: These are your Kawasaki and Yamaha and other Japanese bike owners. They buy elegant, refined machines, spend money on keeping them elegant and refined, and shop with them regularly for upgrades. The relationship is filled with numerous jizzworthy moments, and they love pleasuring each other every chance they get.
  3. Motorcycles are like Whores: The Bajaj, KTM and other cheap bike/scooty owners. They are mostly young, virgins, and raping their bikes beyond the limits of human decency is what they live for. The machines are rarely washed, pimped up with oversized tires and loud exhausts, slapped frequently and ridden like a bitch till her heart stops turning.
  4. Motorcycles are like Supermodels: The exotic motorcycles, superbike owners. These machines rarely ever touch the asphalt, and are kept in prime condition to fetch good money when they are sold. They mostly own a fleet of such bikes, bikes that are capable of inducing multiple premature ejaculations from 200 feet away, and all they do with them is look and brag.

I’ve seen a lot of unhappy KTM owners over the years.

Since I have a Duke 390, and seem to be rather satisfied with it, a lot of KTM buyers, past and future, come to me with questions. There’s one major problem that I’ve seen in all their queries, one serious trouble with their mindset.

There are people out there who want to buy a 2 lac bike that does 0-100 faster than a 2 crore Porsche Panamera, and still demand it to be as reliable as a Japanese train, as beautiful as an Italian horse, and as soulful as a British comedian.

If you really believe that, you are fucking stupid.

You want your bike to behave like a high-born lady, Sansa Stark for instance, and yet all you are willing to pay is stupid-whore-without-a-second-name Shae money, what the hell do you expect? You have to decide first what kind of a motorcycle you are looking for, if you want pure performance, reliability, or looks, you have to be willing to keep your pockets open.

Cheap fuckers get cheap pussy, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun.

KTM machines are cheap, filthy whores that love to be thrashed around corners, have their tits bouncing up and down the rev limit, and occasionally get cut, bruised, break some bones and pass out when you choke her for too long. They are specialist tools with only one field of excellence, and that’s rocking your fucking pants off. 

And they are bloody good at that. No other bike in that money can give you the same level of visceral, dirty, unholy fun than a Duke or an RC can. I once did a track day on my 390 with a bust oil seal, bust radiator fan, bust chain set, bust cone set, leaking fuel pump, dead brake pads, boiling coolant, and bald tires, and didn’t hear a single sign of complaint.

And then there’s the best part, if you do happen to break her rib or two while pummeling the shit out of her, the cost of repair is hilariously cheap. The bill for fixing everything that was wrong in the last paragraph was 15,000 bucks, and that included both new tires.

Of course from time to time her STDs are going to act up, but that’s nothing a bit of trusty rubber can’t handle.

I don’t understand what people have to complain about. Here you have one of the most powerful, lightest, cheapest to own and cheaper to maintain motorcycles in the market, and all I hear them whining about is the speedo not working properly, or the engine making weird noises, or parts not lasting as long as on the Japanese bikes. It’s true that the chain set on a Ninja 300 lasts 3 times as long as on an RC390, but it’s also true that the chain set on the Ninja costs 6 times more as the RC.

When you go to a brothel and take that 250 Rupee prostitute to that dirty room with no windows, you don’t complain about her voice being manly, or her eyesight being low, or her left leg being a wooden stump with green algae on it. You get your 250 bucks worth out of her, you do unnatural stuff to her that you won’t dare do to your wife, you come on her face and then don’t say thank you before leaving. That’s what you’re supposed to do with a KTM.

I think the problem here again is the Indian mentality, we want everything without paying for anything. We buy things designed for one thing, attempt to use them for an entirely different thing, and then flail our hands, roll on the floor and break our bangles when that doesn’t work out. You see other people enjoying their lives, and you try to live their choices to get in on the fun, but that obviously doesn’t work because you didn’t think the fucking thing through, and now all you can do is blame everyone else.

So the next time someone comes to me crying about their Duke’s rim being cracked or the engine stalling in the middle of a turn, or the suspension weeping blood, I’m going to tell them you have only 2 options. Either enjoy the KTM and the freedom that comes with it, or buy something else and shut your mouth. You have no right to bitch about an incredibly inexpensive object for not being perfect in every department, that’s like buying a Chinese phone and complaining about lack of Siri.

You will have to make compromises either way, but I’d rather compromise on eye color than sword-swallowing capabilities.

  • Sayantan Sam Sarkar

    That’s just plain wrong. That kind of attitude points out a deep rooted depravity and psychotic tendencies not just towards bikes, but towards women as well. Be it a Rs.10,000 escort or a 250-rupee prostitute at a brothel, don’t forget that she is a woman and another human being and like all other creatures on this planet deserves some compassion. Same thing goes for bikes as well. I don’t care if it is a run down old TVS Scooty pep with a bust exhaust or an expensive and brand new ZX-14, one ought to treat them gently and with respect. If you still do like treating them like that well then I pity the women and the bikes that get ridden by you. I sure as hell would not treat either one like that. By the way I happen to own a KTM Duke 200 and have done 13000 kms on it so far including touring from Hyderabad to Kolkata, Chennai, Pune, et al. and I have treated her with utmost respect and she has been nothing short of marvelous. Treat em with love and you’ll get loved in return. Now it depends on you whether you are capable of feeling love or if barbarism is the only language you understand.

  • Abhijeet Baruah

    Having owned this bike since Oct 2013, this is exactly what it it. A costlier bike will give you just the same amount of thrills as this one albeit in a more sophisticated package.

    • Akhil Kalsh

      Probably.

  • Arvind G Balasubramaniam

    I don’t know about you but I treat my KTM like a wife. It’s cheap here but in the US it’s priced more than a ninja. Funny how you’re correlating “inexpensive” with “poor quality”. I don’t think yo know much about bikes, atleast not as much as you know about women. Believe me, I’ve owned a Ninja as well.

  • Bharath Sourav

    man…real educated….a spoiled brat who thinks he is a reincarnation of 2pac…ha ha

  • Rahul P

    1. BJP doesn’t bring back black money as promised : public reaction ? yawn
    2. Government increasing taxes (slowly boiling the frog) : public reaction ? yawn
    3. 50-80% cases of molestation/dowry/rape are false, says cops/DCW/SC : public reaction ? yawn
    4. Mob lynches an innocent man accused of rape as part of extortion racket : public reaction ? we don’t care
    5. Woman throws acid on man unwilling to marry her : public reaction ? he still deserved it
    6. Woman conspires with lover to murder husband : public reaction ? he must be abusive
    7. Woman rapes 5 year old child : public reaction ? What’s the IPL score ?
    8. Woman throws social media tantrum falsely alleging random bike rider of molesting her: public reaction ? she must be stressed.
    9. Prominent politicians/actresses say sexist things about men ( “rejected maal” , “all violence is male generated.” : public reaction ? yawn
    10. Ex-wives routinely demand huge sums of money as alimony , ergo behaving exactly as a whore – get paid before she leaves : public reaction ? yawn
    11. Compare a bike to a whore : public reaction ? You sexist patriarchal pig, stop oppressing women.

    Where do I join this so called Patriarchy (TM) club ? How does one become its member, ID card and all ?

    OT joke :
    Q: Why are riding leathers made of cow leather ?
    A: They’d happily use feminists, but they’re too thin-skinned to be useful !

  • Virus85

    You see what happens when you write a blog after Redbull + Vodka and some green stuff

    or have you been watching Kardhashians lately??

    • Akhil Kalsh

      No Kardashians for this guy.

  • Paritosh Singh

    Buying a cheap bike doesn’t mean that you should live with faulty speedos and broken rims. If someone is spending money, no matter how less, one deserves to get his money’s worth. When you buy a bike you buy it expecting everything to work as intended.
    In one article you blame Royal Enfield riders for buying an unreliable piece of crap and in this you are telling people to live with the bike no matter what issues it throws at you? That’s hypocritical my friend.

  • Abhimanyu Verma

    This guy writes like a 8th standard student and knows nothing about professional media ethics.
    And just to seem intellectual enough, he throws in some fancy english words and some g.o.t references (Yeah we get it, you have got torrent privilege)
    He thinks too highly of his ktm. He is that kind of kid who when gets overtaken on road by a cbr 250, so he opens the throttle wide just to smoke past that cbr. Because… how dare he! Right?
    Dude when you’ll be standing by the side of the road waiting for your duke to cool off, the same cbr is gonna cruise past you with his big fat middle finger in your face.

    • Adv. Suraj Dutta

      Haha Mr. Verma, seems like you have a CBR 250 😀 I am a fan of that machine 😉

  • Atul Kumar

    Just perfect, loved this article 🙂

  • Avishek Tusher Dhar

    Truth has been spoken in bitter way .. And dis is how a ktm rider should trt deir bike .. Every1 can’t handle ds article . like every1 can’t handle KTM …

  • Rahul Sen

    Akhil bro. Sup?
    Two new Michelins eh?
    If that isn’t cheap , I really don’t know what is….

    Pretty cool stuff there man …
    Looks like the old Akhil is back! 😀

    • Akhil Kalsh

      Na man, front MRF, rear Mich 🙂

  • Pingback: [Ownership Thread]: KTM RC 390 Ownership Experience - Page 354()

  • Mudita Yadav

    is this language is used to show you passion, raise the game not the level of cheap words

    • Rahul Sen

      Words are just words… How you interpret them is actually how you interpret them .

      • Mudita Yadav

        Just words??? I rest my case sir, no point even making a point here, this is why I say Indian patriarchy always had very elusive vision about “honor or respect”. And I am not talking about or for women; I am saying even for a living being.

        • Rahul Sen

          Ma’am , seems like we got on off on the wrong foot.
          I did , and still do , and will continue to maintain the fact that words are just random characters stringed together to form a different definition to the one who happens to read them .
          What definition you derive is your own. And is exclusively your own.

          Mr. Kalsh so far has not directed any such commonly known derogatory words to any specific person or organisation except the motorcycle manufacturing company KTM , unless you happen to be a direct spokesperson or a representative of such company I am not sure how it directly affects you.

          Mr. Kalsh in the blog post above has extensively used some specific words as a means to emphasize his meaning , such as the word “fucking ” in “fucking stupid” .
          The literal meaning of these words is Sexually Imbecile , among many conceivable meanings , but as you can see , it has no literal worth , so , it is safe to say it is gibberish.
          I am still unsure of how it seems offensive.

          Another major factor that you may have overlooked ma’am is the extensive use of metaphors and similes . Mr. Kalsh being an artist with words likes to twist his tale by adding metaphors and similes to correlate between his personal experience and the experiences of his readers so as to connect with his admirers in a different intellectual level.
          Mr. Kalsh’s so called derogatory remarks are usually preceded by such aforementioned metaphors and similes.
          Thus it does not really directly defame anyone in particular.

          What Mr. Kalsh can be accused of is the generalisation of different motorcycles under various categories.
          But unfortunately it is not illegal.

          But so are you.
          Dear respected Ma’am , with all the honor and respect and other such similar words that I can find in the deepest fathoms of my generous collection of assorted words from the English language I would like to point out that you may have hinted at a slight insult of the utmost intention towards me.
          Unfortunately I , and Mr Kalsh indeed as well , as per you , fall under the “Indian Patriarchy” which , according to your allegations has no respect for any living being , but respected ma’am , do you have sufficient proof to back up your allegations , because a serious accusation of inhumane treatment towards living creatures by all the men of India without a shred of solid proof amounts to libel , or defamation. If you would be so kind as to go through the section 499 of the Indian Penal Code , you will see it as clear as daylight that you dear , respected ma’am are almost guilty of defaming the entire male adult(according to Indian majority act 1875) population of India of inhumane treatment towards anything living , and hence including Mr. Kalsh in your derogatory remarks .
          And unfortunately your remarks have most certainly caused Mr. Kalsh loss in terms of fame , popularity and trustworthiness to mention a few honoured qualities important to a person of Mr. Kalsh’s profession.
          And unfortunately if Mr Kalsh thinks so , he can take legal action against you. With all due respect of course.

          I would like to rest my case by saying these words…
          “Check yourself , before you wreck yourself”.

          Bonjour Madame.

          • Akhil Jude

            Tsss.. Burn.

          • Jaideep

            I said Badum… tsss! aloud after reading that. Niceuuuuh!

          • Biker777

            Paul heyman??? lol you sounds like him :p

          • Hrishikesh Patil

            Feminism much!

  • Nishchal Sharma

    Dude you don’t even deserve a Luna.. such a cheaply written article to gain popularity.. Shame!

    • Mudita Yadav

      respect

  • Siddharth Dey

    if its cheap…its good for a start.. slow is too low…i wud rather die in speed smiling than crusing in a junk wid vibes at 100.. plus whores r gud.. u always hav choices..loads of choices.

  • Jishnu Das

    Gory detail sounds like owning an enfield sans the speed 🙂