If the Indian motorcycling scene was a woman’s body

By | February 11, 2016

Yesterday’s article got me thinking about how bad things are for us, even today. To some people, it might sound like I’m a whining little bitch who doesn’t appreciate how much things have actually improved, but then I’d say their benchmarks are different. Sure if you are comparing today with that time we only had the Bullets and the Karizma, then yes, we live in a fucking wonderland now. However, all you need to do is look around the map and understand how limited, and how overpriced is the range of shit that we get.

Since my thought process while writing any article involves thinking about the most vile, disgusting, sexist, bigoted, misogynistic, homophobic, downright wrong stuff to use for similes, I had a moment of serendipity.

It was one of those moments that you pick up your laptop, get off the chair, jump in the air, punch it, drop the laptop and walk away, because you have thought the best thought every thought in the history of thought. A stroke of pure genius.

So here’s the idea, what if the Indian motorcycling scene was compared to a woman’s body, what parts would be represented by what company?

Brain – KTM

Obviously. KTM is the only company that has over the years given us extreme value for money, tech that no one else even touched, and tonnes of upgrades. The obvious reason they have been able to do this is because the bikes are made in India, and that too by Bajaj, but who gives a shit where what’s made, all I care about is what I can get for my money.

As soon as I could afford one, I bought a Duke 390, even though I had to take a loan of 1 lac from a friend. Not only is the cost of ownership ridiculously low, the cost of maintenance is just plain unbelievable. Every time I go to a KTM service center, I always come out laughing on the bill. Take a look at this list to see what I mean.

Because it’s so easy to keep one of these, and they go like stink, it’s so much fun to thrash one wherever you want. The amount of freedom and the amount of peace of mind you get with a KTM is simply unmatched. Without them, I probably would’ve long immigrated to Syria.

Of course nobody can deny the fact that the quality is shit.

The bikes are more unrefined than a 5$ hooker, the parts last about as long as a fly lives, and they sound like Nicki Minaj with a dick down her wind pipe. However, all a broke piece of shit like me cares for is the amount of giggles per rupee that I can get out of it, and that’s bloody impressive.

Hair: Harley Davidson

Hair is a secondary sexual characteristic, and I hate it. I hate hair so much that I’d not mind getting some unnecessary chemotherapy just to get rid of them all. Unfortunately, you can’t get rid of Harleys, no matter how high a dose you get.

Harleys are like hair because of many reasons. First of all, they are everywhere, some areas have them more, others a bit less, but there’s no place where you’ll not find even a single one of them. Secondly, Harleys, like hair, start coming into your life at a particular stage. For most people, that stage is called mid-life-crisis, but that depends from person to person.

If you wiped off hair and Harleys from the face of this planet in one single moment, nothing would change.

Also like hair, Harleys are completely fucking useless. There’s no reason for them to be there, no utility at all. Both of them are there just because they have been for hundreds of years, and because some people tend to use them to showcase their blood hormone levels.

Oh and just like hair, Harleys need constant attention. Clean them, oil them, take care of them or they start falling apart.

Face – Ducati

There’s no doubt in my mind that Ducati makes the most beautiful looking motorcycles in the world. The only problem is that that’s all they are good at. Ducati’s are horrendously unreliable, sound like diarrhea, and need a shitload of cash to live with.

Perfect candidate for a face then!

Like all Ducatis, faces are well known to spontaneously burst into little warts and pimples, oozing fluids away. Faces are also attention whores, needing near-constant effort to keep them going. Faces are the ambassadors of the body, and that’s all their job is, and that’s why they are soft and weak.

Try using your face to cut vegetables, or fix a punctured tire, you can’t, just like you can’t get groceries on a Ducati, or tour.

Neck: Suzuki

Necks are kinda important, but not too much. Sure they connect your brain to the rest of the body, but that’s overrated. Suzuki has, over the years, given us very few good motorcycles, and a lot of scooties, but they certainly have supported our neck by giving us Busas and V-Stroms and Bandits.

You can say what’s the big deal, and you won’t be wrong, but do remember that if you don’t have a functional neck, you’d end up either staring at your dick, or the sky.

Suzuki has done just enough to give bikers what they want, without taking any risk. I like the Gixxer 150 a lot, and their old Shoguns and Samurais are nothing short of legends, but they never seemed to have taken themselves seriously, always doing the bare minimum to keep the head afloat.

Backbone – Bajaj

Without Bajaj, you won’t have the Pulsars. Without Bajaj, you won’t have the KTMs. Withoug Bajaj, you won’t have the Kawasakis. Without Bajaj, you won’t have any reason for any other manufacturer to give a shit.

Almost all the bikers that I know of have at some point ridden a Bajaj, be it an old CT 100, or a Pulsar 220. Bajaj is the backbone of our motorcycling culture because time and again they’ve given us what was needed, although they do seem to be dislocated a bit as far recent times go.

The Pulsar 200AS was a giant load of bullshit, nothing more than a 200NS with projector, fly-screen and a sticker. Their CS400 concept from the Auto Expo that happened a billion years ago is nowhere to be seen. They have also gone into the re-badging mentality that Honda is a master of, and that’s not cool.

Bajaj has been the backbone for many many years now, but if they break, there are many others waiting for a transplant. They really need to get their shit together, or risk being thrown away in medical garbage.

Shoulders: Yamaha

While all other companies seemed to be giving the middle finger to India during most of the last century, Yamaha had other ideas. Their RX 100s, RX 135s and RD 350s ruled our roads for decades. Yamaha was also one of the first to get us superbikes, genuine superbikes and not the grey-market crap.

Like shoulders, Yamaha held up the Indian motorcycling community into shape, but it’s no surprise that they’ve completely lost touch in recent times. The endless lines of Fazers and FZs isn’t doing anyone any good, and the latest launch of the MT-09 at 10+ lacs has been a giant disappointment.

Yes the shoulders are crooked, but it’s OK. Yamaha has done enough good to cement their place as the shoulders, but of course they can’t take their eye off the ball for too long, or they’ll end up going the Bajaj way.

Boobs – Honda

Boobs are awesome, and so are Hondas, the only problem is that Honda has become like an old pair of saggy boobs that have been through 32 breast enhancement surgeries. Also, like some boobs, Honda needs a push-up bra to really squeeze out the fun parts, and that doesn’t always work.

WTF did I just find on google?

The problem with 32 breast enhancement surgeries is that it’s the same pair of boobs. It doesn’t matter how many tonnes of silicone you shove in there, it’s still going to look ugly. All you end up after a while are a pair of giant, pukey, killer boobs like that sweet lady had in The Dictator.

What Honda needs is breast transplant, completely new hardware. They can’t keep pushing the same tits up with tighter and tighter bras every few years and expect to stay in the league. At some point, something’s going to burst.

Stomach: Kawasaki

Kawasaki is like the stomach, because no matter how much you try to nourish it and love it and give it cookies, it ends up constipated and costs you a million dollars to fix. Kawasaki is also like a stomach because you can’t live without one.

The Ninja 250 is my first memory of a jizz-worthy motorcycle that was ever launched in India. I remember watching a girl in a pink top and a red bottom riding one in Delhi. It was, and still is, one of the best machines to make it to our shores. The Ninja 650 has been an absolutely workhorse, being the cheapest “big” looking bike that one can get.

With their new big boy toys, Kawasaki has really upped their game, but maintaining a Kawasaki is like trying to hold in a fart, it’s going to cost you a lot in the long run. But then again, where would we be without them?

Legs – Triumph

This has been a surprise, especially for me who has hated Triumphs since the day they set foot into our country. Not only did Triumph break their initial pricing promises when they launched, the detuning revelation was a real KLPD moment.

Inspite of having a splendidly incompetent CEO, Triumph have really come to life in the last year. It’s the only manufacturer in India that has ABS throughout its lineup. The recently launched Bonnie upgrade is massively impressive, and we’ve got all the Tigers and all the triples that we’d ever need.

So then Triumph, like a pair of legs, have really lifted up the whole body to international standards, and that’s a rare thing for this country. Let’s hope others follow their lead, you know apart from that time when they blatantly lied about their performance figures and then didn’t do shit about it.

Vagina – Royal Enfield

Vaginas are mushy, moody, moist, and most importantly, messy. Royal Enfields are brittle little things, ready to throw a tantrum without notice, perpetually covered in some sort of fluid, and most importantly, 200 kg reminders of how not to go about engineering a motorcycle.

Perfect match then.

Another way Royal Enfields are like vaginas is that a lot of people seem completely in control of them. It’s also a plausible theory that one could be a replacement of the other, a way to make some use out of your manhood, and to show it to the world too.

Both are extremely popular, have few reliable service centers, and instantly seem to remove all logic from conversation as soon as they are introduced.

I could go on, but you get my drift.

Asshole – Hero

Ah, now we are getting to the important part. Hero is one of the most disgusting, but utterly useful item on this list. Everything that an asshole or Hero makes is total shit, but we still can’t live without either one of them.

Hero Motocorp is such a giant reservoir of rotten crap, that they’ve done nothing original since forever. It’s almost like a company run by automated bots, who go through customer sales figures and satisfaction ratings and probably a million other excel sheets of dreary numbers, and then shit out the same motorcycle over and over again, regurgitated excrement that looks worse by the year.

However, without them you’d have none of these ultra-cheap workhorses that most of us learned to ride on. My first geared motorcycle was a Passion, and it was brilliant. My dream bike in college used to be the Karizma. Hero used to be good.

But here’s the problem, Hero basically has just 1 or 2 engines in their entire fucking catalog, and the same number of chassis, and all they do is mix and match to blow out one ugly duck after another. What’s worse is that they have the same shitty bikes since the beginning of time, and yet every year they bring out countless new concepts, while just making their old bikes uglier with new stickers or plastics.

I give you, ladies and gentlemen, the anus that’s Hero.

Nails: TVS

Nails are useless, unless you are an undead young girl stuck in a dark well, in which case they are useful for clawing on the walls and making scary scratches. TVS is useless because they don’t do anything.

The only thing TVS is ever known for is the Apache, which they’ve repeatedly molested over the years. The new one isn’t half as bad, but what’s the fucking point of increasing your engine size by 20 cc every 5 years?

Their only creation that I’d probably ever buy is the TVS Super XL Heavy Duty, but that’s more of a practical joke than anything else. Just like nails, TVS doesn’t seem to have any spine, all they do is just reactionary to other manufacturers, which is sad, because they certainly have potential to do so much more.

Hopefully that potential will be realized with their BMW partnership. Although nothing real has come out of this marriage yet, but I hope that 300cc streetfighter would be up for sale soon, and then we can decide how useless TVS is at that moment.

Makeup: BMW, Aprilia etc.

This is the part where it doesn’t matter if a girl has a crooked nose and a burnt back, or a bullet hole in her neck or a mohawk of pubic hair, because there’s nothing that a good drum of makeup can’t fix.

BMW and Aprilia and all of these other exotic manufacturers make brilliant machines, no doubt about it, but the only problem is that there’s nothing that those machines can do that some other machine at less than half the price can’t. Why use Olay when you can use Fair and Lovely?

Of course it’s all about your standards, and the kind of people you are trying to feel superior in front of, and there’s no price for that.

  • dude_creative

    Really stupid comparison.. Honda should be the backbone, every 1 in 3 of motorcycle has Honda technology

    • Akhil Kalsh

      Meh, who gives a shit, it’s a stupid article anyway.

  • Amol Marwaha

    this is some profound motorcycle insight right here

    • Akhil Kalsh

      I know right?

      • Amol Marwaha

        stellar writing as always man. let’s get drunk and talk silly if you’re ever riding through my neck of the woods.

        • Akhil Kalsh

          You’re on.

          • Amol Marwaha

            cool hai. first round’s on you mate, cheers m/

  • I would like to let you know that the google ads being served on your website, are all Royal Enfield.
    Also you said Boobs!!! Lolo

    • Akhil Kalsh

      I know, I’ve been as surprised as you 🙂

  • RakeshKN

    I am still laughing about the Royal En-field Part. Truth was told 🙂

  • kanth_f1

    Man!!!…word to word…you have spoken the truth!!!….LOL for Hero….they are truly assholes!!