Last week I drove to Bangalore. I was tired of motorcycles, tired of riding them, tired of thinking about them, so I thought this would be a nice change of scenery. My wife was with me, my sister was on the way, and I was sure The City of Gardens was going to show us a good time.
Fuck that fucking garden of garbage.
As soon as we entered, my sister caught some sort of superbug. Somehow we managed to make it back to Hyderabad, before I was taken down. I couldn’t spit, couldn’t swallow, and my eyes hurt so bad I was ready to gently take them out with a wooden ice cream spoon. Temperature never went below 102, couldn’t lie down because of the pain, couldn’t get up because of the headache. In those 4 days I completely understood the concept of suicide, and how evil it is to outlaw it, and how cowardly to fuck with people looking for euthanasia.
And then I saw people shoving the photographs and videos of the Honda CBR250RR into each other’s faces, being happy, being optimistic, and I knew it in my heart that duty had called.
I hate to sound negative, or maybe I love it, in either case, the CBR250RR does not matter. There’s no reason to start running naked across the streets, nor any logic behind weaving dreams of owning one in the future. Here’s why.
The CBR250RR isn’t coming to India
Or maybe it is, who knows, but ask yourself this:
Do you actually expect a company, that hasn’t updated its lineup in India since before the Dinosaurs went extinct, to bring in a brand new motorcycle, just like that?
All Honda cares about is the Activa, end of story. They do not give a single shit about anything else, and why should they? We are still buying the grandpa of that CBR250R like it’s 19-year-old with breast implants, all Honda needs to do is put a few new and worse stickers on it, and we all run barefoot with cash falling out our pockets.
I don’t know what’s so special about Indonesia that every motorcycle company launches everything there first, and then here, if they feel like it. Living on top of volcanoes and earthquakes and tsunamis doesn’t seem to be adventurous enough for these people, or maybe they are just showing off, but whatever their secret is, I think it’s about time we found out.
All the updates to the CBR250R and the 150R went to Indonesia. The CBR300R went to Indonesia. What the fuck are they smoking? And what’s wrong with this little piece of land?
If it is coming, it’ll be a while before it does
Let’s assume, by some miracle of Japanese ignorance, that the new bike does make it to our shores, when do you think that will be so? It’s still not launched in Indonesia, only showcased, with tentative delivery dates towards the end of the year. Let’s assume, since we are already in so far, that it’s available to buy in India at the same time as Indonesia, that’s still about half a year from now.
And then all you have to remember is the Yamaha R3, and the Himalayan, or any other new bike that has ever been produced. It takes 6 months more, if not a full year, before everything that’s wrong with a new bike gets fixed, before all the issues are ironed out. The R3 is facing 2 recalls in the US, even if the situation in India might be a bit different.
So what you’re basically looking at is roughly 1.5 years, if not more, of time before you might actually get to slide your hairy ass on this thing. Too far away in the future to get your panties in a bunch don’t you think?
When it comes, it’ll be nothing special at an exhorbitant price
I’m sure it’ll be brilliant, ultra-smooth, reliable like all Hondas are. Twins are exiting, so is the ride by wire throttle, and the riding modes, and the good looks, and all that stuff they’ve done to the engine, and the rest of the package. But at this point, let’s talk about one slightly important point.
Who the fuck will buy one?
Look at the sales figures of the R3, a similarly positioned motorcycle targeted at track enthusiasts. Yamaha has had a hard time getting into 3 digit sales per month till now, and a total of just about 1000 have been sold till date. The reasons for that are rather obvious.
Barely anybody goes to the track in India. Those who do can be divided into 2 types:
- Cheap fucks like me who’d rather pick up a KTM at half price, put some M7s, maybe even an ECU upgrade, and still have enough money left to buy a Navi.
- Rich fucks unlike me who can’t decide if they should take the R1, the H2, or the S1000RR to the track this time.
If you do appreciate Japanese engineering and have the money to pick up the CBR250RR, why won’t you buy the tried and tested Ninja 300? Or something in the 600 range? The 250RR certainly has some features that none of the others do, but all that means is that Honda is going to make you pay out of your ass for it.
Honda’s biggest problem is Honda, they’ll probably price it at something around 4 lacs, and then just stop giving a shit. Buy it, don’t buy it, they don’t care, as has been proved by their weird strategies over the years. They seem happy enough to sit on old stock, not worry about updates or improvements, and give the middle finger to all of us from time to time.
I know there are a lot of people who’ve already decided that this is going to be their next upgrade, they’ve already made up their minds. The only thing I can say to you is that you are a moron. You’ll end up not riding for 2 years, telling everyone that you are waiting for your dream bike. You’ll sell your old bike to get cash for the new one, but while waiting for that new item, the cash will slowly slide away into other little things, and by the time the new bike is launched, you’ll be so frustrated of the wait that you’ll get one on loan, that too from the first lot.
You’ll then spend the next few months crying your heart out to the service people, shouting on social media, writing angry mails to Honda management. Your 1 issue would be solved, and 3 more will begin. You’ll then print out a banner that says “HONDA SUCKS BALLS“, and stand in front of the showroom, where people will think you are a hobo and try to avoid you. Finally, after even the threat of a case in consumer court wouldn’t help, you’ll sell the bike at a loss, and keep paying the EMI for something that you hated all along.
Do yourself a favour, go to your nearest showrooms, test ride everything, and buy what touches your heart. If the new CBR comes, give it time to heal, and then if you still want to buy one, buy one.
Don’t stop living your life for a motorcycle.