In a World Exclusive first, here’s the RiderZone’s Bajaj Pulsar CS400 review.
Last week our whole media team, which is like super big and totally not just one guy with a phone, was invited to Bajaj’s production and test facility at Chakan, near Pune. We were given exclusive use of the Bajaj’s test track, and a brand new production-ready Bajaj CS400 to play with, followed by a full-body massage with a happy ending.
After riding this bike for well over 300 kms, with special one-on-one sessions with the engineers behind the machine and smoking far too many joints, here’s our Bajaj Pulsar CS400 review which is absolutely true and not at all imaginary or made up in any way whatsoever.
Bajaj Pulsar CS400 review: Launch date:
First let us answer the question that’s on everybody’s mind, when the fuck is Bajaj going to launch this thing after showing up with it at the Auto Expo millions of years ago? Well, the answer is soon. Numerous spy shots of the bike with weird black and white camouflage have been seen on the internet, and as we all know, once road tests being for a Bajaj bike, it is launched any time between 1 month to 2 years.
Of course things might get complicated since Mahindra spent the same amount of time testing the Mojo as is taken by light to travel from Earth to the nearest black hole. Hopefully Bajaj will get no ideas from Mahindra, and launch the bike before it becomes a running joke, and based on how many years they’ve already wasted, it’s chop chop time.
Long story short, if you are looking to buy a new bike, wait! You might be able to pick up the brand new Bajaj Pulsar CS400 within the next few months or years, depending on a number of complex and hard to control factors ranging from marketing to quality control.
Bajaj Pulsar CS400 review: Top speed, specs and performance:
We were given the CS400 in the morning and after riding it on the track for a few hundred kilometers, a session was held where we could get our questions answered from the very people who designed and manufactured this machine.
While discussing the new bike with the engineers, we were revealed the following specs and features:
- 375 cc Duke engine, but retuned to produce 76 Bhp
- All-new Digital Quadruple Spark Ignition, with 2 spark plugs in the engine, one under the pillion seat, and one inside the petrol tank
- Maaza + Smirnoff cooled engine for maximum performance and reliability
- Six free-flow exhaust setup, 3 on each side, specifically to make Mahindra Mojo owners feel inadequate
- Top speed electronically limited to 431 kmph at special request from Bugatti
- Bike comes with K&N filter pre-installed for 30% more power and torque
- Kerb weight: 99 kgs, thanks to everything being made from the steel of INS Vikrant, which is like total secret military alien stuff
To be honest, we were a bit sceptical of the 4 spark plug setup, and the horsepower figure, but on the track the bike simply blew us away. On the home straight, which is roughly a kilometre long, we were able to push beyond 355 kmph, where the Maaza + Smirnoff cooling system did a great job of keeping everything calm and composed.
On the corners, it’s a complete revelation, I mean I’m pretty used to scraping knees, elbows, shoulders and helmets on the track, but with the Bajaj Pulsar CS400 you feel so confident that I was actually able to scrape my right knee while going into a left corner.
If that doesn’t tell you how awesome it is in lean, we don’t know what will.
Even though it’s a sad single cylinder, the bike sounds like the cries of a bull with a raging erection that’s trying to fuck a tree hole, thanks to the beautiful six exhausts. Add to that the sound of the K&N filter without an air box, and what you get is a perfect symphony, like when a Bullet’s exhaust falls off and gets trampled by a truck.
When asked about the purpose of the spark plug under the pillion seat, the engineer replied:
We at Bajaj have always been purists, and firmly believe motorcycling is not a team activity, but something that’s meant to be done alone, with your own thoughts giving you company. Unfortunately, many a times it’s hard to refuse giving lift to people, but with the spark plug under the rear seat, anybody trying to sit out back will get zapped in his nuts!
However, we did realise in testing that some women strangely seemed to love the feeling of being shocked in the behind, but there’s nothing we could do about that, not that we need to since we all know women hate Pulsar owners and would rather take their cloths off and jump into a Gorilla’s cage than sit behind one.
About the spark plug inside the fuel tank, they had this to say:
Motorcycling is supposed to be dangerous, adventurous, something that satisfies that inner animal. Even though India is an extremely sick country to be a biker in, we didn’t feel satisfied enough with the manliness of the new Pulsar. With the spark plug inside the fuel tank, a lot of people think the bike will instantly blow up when the ignition is pressed. What they don’t realise is that we have implemented a clever electronic system, which ensures that the spark plug inside the fuel tank will work only randomly, and when you least expect it to. Think about the adrenaline rush you’ll get sitting on a bike, absorbing the scenery, not being sure what moment the fuel is going to ignite and ripe you apart from balls to brains!
After the test was over Bajaj officials confirmed the so-called “engineers” we were talking to were actually mentally unstable criminals who had escaped from a nearby hospital. They refused further comment.
Bajaj Pulsar CS400 review: Price:
To discuss the pricing of this bike, we were invited for an all-expense paid trip of the Bahamas, a request that we agreed to after deep thinking and reflection to ensure no standards of automotive journalism were left unfucked.
When we casually asked Bajaj’s CEO about the pricing of the machine while playing nude golf in the Bahamas, the conversation went something like this:
RiderZone: How much for the CS400?
CEO: How much you pay?
RiderZone: What? You are asking me how much we’d price the bike at? I’d say exactly 2 lacs on-road.
CEO: No, no deal.
RiderZone: Excuse me?
CEO: No, you pay 3 lacs you take bike.
RiderZone: 3 lacs is far too much, why would anybody buy this instead of the Duke?
CEO: No, 2.75 and you take bike
RiderZone: What’s going on here? Are you bargaining with me right now?
CEO: Customer is King, and King doesn’t Bargain.
RiderZone: I don’t understand….
CEO: Last offer, 2.30, best deal, take it and go. You no get better deal.
So it looks like the bike will be priced somewhere around the 2 lacs mark, which literally anybody could’ve told you based on the pricing of the Duke 390 and Pulsar RS200, without getting into a weird conversation with the nude CEO of a motorcycle manufacturer who speaks with a Chinese accent.
Bajaj Pulsar CS400 review: Verdict:
This would undoubtedly be the best bike to come out of the Bajaj stable in quite a while, and would most likely make superbikes obsolete, I mean common, why would anybody spend 40 lacs on an H2 when they can get better performance from a Pulsar? The only potential problem that we can foresee is the dead bodies of Squids lying plastered on every junction, traffic light, and electricity pole in every city, but a lot of people agree that would be awesome and can’t wait to pee inside their open brains.
And remember you read the Bajaj Pulsar CS400 review first on RiderZone. Yeah, suck on that Autocar, BikeAdvice, Shifting-Gears, and especially you, Rush fucking Lane.